Saved by the Date

FF173 Marie Gail Stratford

copyright Marie Gail Stratford

New marketing director Kyle Ramsey stood up in the conference room. “I have a brilliant new marketing campaign. Considering 90% of our product is purchased by white people, from now on, we will market exclusively to white people. We’ll save millions!”

Silence.

His colleagues stared at him, aghast.

Kyle started to sweat.

Then one woman smiled. “Ah, I see. This is an April Fool’s joke.”

Kyle looked at the date. Oh, thank God. “You got me! Haha, April Fools! Meeting over!” The others laughed dutifully. Kyle quickly closed the PowerPoint detailing his manically ill-conceived marketing campaign and fled the room.


5 Things I Learned at the Fayette County Democratic Convention

What do you usually do on Saturday morning? I usually sleep in slightly, then maybe go over to the coffee shop for a cup of coffee and a few hours of writing.

Not a few Saturdays ago though. Instead, I got up early and drove to the county courthouse, where I sat and listened to people talk for five hours. It was an interesting experience, however. It was the Fayette County Democratic Convention. Here are 5 things I learned there.

Fayette county

  1. The caucus system is pretty messy

The caucus system has none of the clean-cut mechanistic feel of a secret ballot, where every vote is (supposedly) methodically counted. In the caucus system, it’s all out in the open, in a way that probably worked better a long time ago when there were less people. At the county convention they did get the Bernie Sanders delegates to sit on one side and the Hillary Clinton ones to sit on the other. However, there were observers mixed in with them, along with alternate delegates and no way to tell them apart unless they volunteered the information. True, all the delegates had hand-written name stickers on, which, to be fair, are pretty hard to fake without a trip to Dollar General.

  1. Picking a presidential nominee is democratic-ish

Another thing that surprised me is that although none of the delegates changed sides, they technically could have. This means that although the results of the caucus were announced on February 1st, at any stage of the process, the delegates could decide to change their vote to anyone.

“Under the Democratic Party’s Rules, pledged delegates are not legally “bound” or required to vote according to their presidential preference on the first ballot at the Convention. Rather, these delegates are, pledged “in all good conscience [to] reflect the sentiments of those who elected them.” [Rule 12.J]” (Time.com)

This means that the higher you get as a delegate, the more power you have, and democracy transforms slowly into an oligarchy.

  1. Some people get addicted to local politics

That kind of power, even at the district or state level, can be quite appealing, and there are people there that have gotten used to having it.

The caucus on February 1st lasted about 2 hours maybe. The county convention was about 5 hours. One woman told us all about how the district one was at least 8 hours and the state convention could be even longer. She went on and on about how tiring it was, but then when it came time to elect the delegates, she was one of the first to volunteer. I’m not saying that what she said was untrue, but I wonder if she was trying to discourage people from volunteering so she could go.

I can understand it. Even at the county convention, there was a special feeling, like you were part of an elite group. That only increases as you go up the scale. It’s like being part of the in-crowd.

0312161217

Our state senator telling us about troubles in Des Moines

  1. You get to see what your neighbors think

What took the most time, just like at the caucus, was debating the party planks. At the caucus, people suggested things that they thought were important and we debated them and then voted on whether to send them on to the county convention.

At the county convention, we debated on those and decided whether to send them on to the district and state levels, which is why those conventions take so long. Some of the ideas, like increasing funding for mental health treatment and increasing the minimum wage were pretty normal. Then there the ones that clearly were important to a very specific group, like the resolution to get wild parsnip labeled as a noxious plant.

And then there were the other kind of idea…

  1. People really don’t like Washington politicians

One of the first planks that was debated was whether to strip members of Congress of their pensions. One of the main arguments for this was that they’re all corrupt anyway and can engage in legalized insider trading, so they all leave office rich. This seemed cynical to me, and I voted against this idea, but in the end it passed overwhelmingly among the group there. Of course, I don’t think Congress will ever vote to take away their own pensions, but it shows the anger and general dissatisfaction people have with federal politicians when they are quite willing to strip high-level public servants of their pensions.

Another more radical idea that got floated was to make members of Congress work for minimum wage. I’m not sure how it got to the county level and it was voted down easily but it still shows how much people want to stick it the politicians. It is easy to see that sort of thing on the news, but it’s another thing to see it in person.


Black Market Bacchanalia

FF172 Ted Strutz

copyright Ted Strutz

Down among the subway tunnels, past the sign of the pansy crapper is the lair where the Donkey-boys rave. Anyone’s welcome, but they have a trial—test magic, they say—a special stone passed across your forehead. If it turns blue, you’re free to party but if it’s red, you have to leave something behind.

I’ve gone twice: two reds and two terrible losses. The first time I hopped out; the second time hobos carried my legless body out.

Come back anytime, they said. If it’s blue, all is forgiven and all is returned. I just need a way back.


Dear Aunt Hattie…

Dear Aunt Hattie Letter

I refolded the yellowed paper and after slipping it back into its crinkled envelope, I set it back against the gravestone. As I stood up, I saw a chinchilla staring at me from the top of a gravestone twenty feet away. Its eyes seemed to glow in the dying twilight. I’d never seen one in the wild before.

The sun sunk below the hills and the cemetery was plunged into darkness. I bolted for my car, every second dreading to hear tiny, skittering footsteps on the path behind me.

 

 

 

 

 

chinchilla gif


The Giant’s Bride

The Giant’s Bride

I was the first and only settler on Titan, a billion miles from the nearest sister human. I don’t need a man; I don’t even need a mankind.

I forsook them, plighting my troth to one who could never reciprocate my devotion: Titan, that lofty moon who innocently holds 300 times more fossil fuel than the entire Earth. Someday, if greedy corporate eyes gaze this way, I will thwart them.

Even so, as I watch the glassy methane river gurgle slowly past my house, as Saturn rises hugely like an effulgent goddess, I cry for the beauty of it all.

 


The Irrational God

Happy Pi Day everyone! This is about the nerdiest possible holiday outside of May the 4th. (Of course, it only works in countries that write today’s date as 3/14 and not 14/3). To celebrate, we bought an apple pie and also because who needs an excuse to get pie?

I posted this poem back in 2012 but I thought I’d post it again, since it seems appropriate to the day. Have a great day and do something irrational (defined here as something that keeps changing and never ever gets finished.)

pi

I wonder why the real world has such odd numbers;

They never seem to fit.

How many students would thank God if π=3?

Never minding the odd circles we would have.

*

A single digit,

How boring for an infinite God

Who delights in the endless diversity of the irrational;

Never repeating but infinite in variety.

*

As self-contained as the circle

The irrational Greek letter describes.

Reflected in the curve of a galaxy or the path of an electron:

A seemingly simple curve containing an infinity of detail.

*

So what do we do with

An irrational God,

Instantly truncated in a world where significant digits

Seem to carry such grave significance?

*

Some people want a 3.14 God,

Easy to understand, easy to deal with, easy to calculate.

Some strive for 15926 or with a lifetime of prayer and holiness can see 53589.

But even they are sometimes tempted to round up and call it a day.

*

For all our striving, the whole of human history could never approach

A single significant digit of God’s irrationality.

*

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751

05820974944592307816406286208998628

034825342117067…

*

Heaven is in the details.

Pi border


First Sale

 

FF170 Emmy L Gant

copyright Emmy L Gant

First Sale

“I don’t know. How much would you want for it?”

“50?”

“How about 20?”

“I guess.”

“Of course, it’s got that garbage can in the shot. Kinda ugly.”

“It’s a Persian flaw.”

“You took it in Paris.”

“Fine, Parisian flaw.”

“I suppose if I buy this, you’ll consider yourself a professional, right?”

“Well, I would be, right?”

“And, you’ll say professionals should be independent.”

“All the ones I know are.”

“You’ll go off to live in some faraway city, attending trendy parties, having existential discussions in cafés. Becoming a different person.”

“Could happen.”

“Fine, I’ll buy the photograph.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

 


Rabid Disregard

Captain Rabid did not inspire confidence, beginning with his name and ending with his apparent desire to kill his entire crew. On his first day he dismissed the ship’s doctor in order to motivate the men not to get injured or sick. He routinely ordered them to charge enemy ships head on, despite the fact that it gave the foe a perfect chance to rake the ship from stem to stern. Eventually enemy ships would just turn and run, not wanting to fight a crazy man.

One of the midshipmen had a pool going to guess the reason for this apparent insanity. The top choice was that he was suicidal; the second choice was homicidal. Less popular choices were that he had a father who was a hero and was trying to follow in his footsteps. In last place was the idea that he just wanted to get fired and go home.

*        *        *

Captain Rabid opened his diary.

Dear diary, I have done everything exactly wrong and still I am employed. The ship’s pool is at almost 100 pounds. Tomorrow, I will claim it, then have a naughty phrase concerning the admiral’s mother painted on the side of the ship. I should be at home in my garden by the end of the week.


No One Sued Me Over Miss Sulfur

I found out this week that our university’s literary journal is going to publish my story, Braiding Mythology. Now I’m apprehensively waiting to see what my colleagues will think of me after they read it. I dedicated that story to my wife, and I am dedicating this one to her too.

(If you’re wondering how this picture led to this story, look closely at the green battery.)

FF169 Sean Fallon

Copyright Sean Fallon

 

There is nothing new under the sun.

I once created a group of scientific superheroes. I called them the “Miss Elementals”, one for each element on the periodic table.

First Marvel sued me because Miss Iron was too close to Ironman.

Then the creator of Sailor Moon sued me because of Miss Mercury.

Miss Krypton led to a lawsuit with DC Comics.

I finally abandoned the project when Goldman Sachs sued me over Miss Gold.

It’s okay though. I have this new idea about superheroes based on the planets of the solar system. That’s never been done before, has it?

 


Burn Table

Burn Table

The mayor was here a week ago. News crews scurried around, getting the best angles and making sure the audio was clear as the mayor stood on cracked and weed-strewn concrete and talked about urban revitalization. He used the word “rebirth” nine times in his thirteen-minute speech.

The thing about birth is that everyone thinks of the end result. No one thinks about the labor.

A week later, and it was just me and the soot boys, getting ready to burn down 1300 abandoned houses. It’s funny how ‘R’ words like revitalization and rebirth sound nice, but raze, ruin, and rip out really don’t, even when they’re two sides of the same coin.

“Go down Derby Street,” I told the soot boys, consulting the burn table. “We’ll take down the left side this morning, numbers 34 to 68.” We had to check each house to make sure they were empty, then Ronnie and Jimmy went in with what were basically commercial flamethrowers and physics did the rest. We didn’t have a firefighter crew on standby. If the fire ever did spread, that would just mean less work for us further down the road. We were at least five miles away from any property worth saving.

“Got a squatter in number 44,” Andy said over the radio.

“So make him move,” I said. “He’s got ten minutes.”

“He won’t go.”

I sighed and walked down to the house. The man looked like a typical squatter: long, unkempt hair and clothes whose time between washings was probably measured in years.

“I’m sorry sir, but you’re going to have to move,” I said. “We’re burning this house this morning.”

“You don’t understand.” There were tears in his eyes. “I live here.”

“I understand, but you can move to another house.” No point in mentioning that we’d be burning them all down eventually.

“You don’t get it. I bought this house fifteen years ago,” he said. “The bank took it after we’d been living here for ten years. My kids were born here!” He was crying now, but didn’t try to wipe the tears away.

“I’m sorry, sir,” I said again. I hated to see the human face of the job I had been contracted to do so I put on my best mask of professionalism. “The bank has sold this property to the city revitalization trust. They have contracted me to remove all existing properties. This particular property is on the schedule for today.” I showed him the burn table.

“This used to be a thriving neighborhood,” he said, throwing out a skinny arm to encompass the morgue of broken-windowed, sagging-roofed houses that surrounded us. “You know, the first weekend we moved in, all the neighbors came over and helped us move. John Grant, over there at number 55—”

I didn’t want to hear any more. “I’ll give you until this afternoon,” I said. I picked up the radio. “Change of plan, guys. Switch to the right side for this morning.” I walked away before I could see if this pitiable creature was grateful or angry.

There were no squatters in any of the houses from 29 Derby Street to number 59 and soon Ronnie and Jimmy were walking down the street, spewing roaring, smoky destruction onto the decaying embodiments of failed dreams. I wonder how they thought about it, but knowing those two, it was nothing more than x dollars per hour. The whole row was a wall of flames by 10:30, and we retreated back to the truck to eat snacks and watch the fire do our work for us.

“I think it jumped,” Andy said, pointing down the road. There was smoke rising from the left side of the street.

“Crap! He didn’t, did he?”

“So let him. Less work for us.”

“What if he’s inside?” I said. They didn’t care; he was just another squatter to them, but to me it was an investigation and possibly a reprimand if someone died on my watch. I didn’t want to get the truck that close to the fires, so I walked as quickly as I could down the left hand sidewalk, knowing there was nothing I could do if the squatter had set the house on fire with him inside.

The man was sitting on the sidewalk, watching as greedy tongues of fire snaked out through blackened glass and out from under the eaves. He was not crying any longer, but the look of pain on his face was worse.

“Sorry, it just didn’t seem right to have strangers do it,” he said. “Will I get in trouble?”

I shook my head. “Be careful, though,” I said. Then, “You want something to eat?”

He nodded and stood up. With one last look at the doomed house, he turned his back and we walked away.

burning-house2

[Source]


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