“Ugh, I feel like a zombie,” my wife said, crashing facedown onto the bed.
“Nonsense,” I said, surreptitiously checking her skin for a greyish pallor. She had been saying that sort of thing for about a week now and although I never truly believed her, I kept a baseball bat by my side of the bed.
“I’m just so tired. I never get enough sleep. I just wish there was a cave I could crawl into and sleep for a month.”
I’ve never been really big on metaphors, so I googled “caves for rent”. There were a surprisingly large numbers of results: some absurd, some merely expensive. To narrow it down, I typed, “just a cave to sleep in for a month”. One result came up.
ARE YOU TIRED OF TOO MUCH LIGHT? WANT TO HIDE FROM DEBT COLLECTORS?
TRYING TO NURTURE YOUR INNER TROGLODYTE?
SLEEPY BEAR CAVE RESORTS HAS IT ALL!!!!!
I wasn’t sure what a troglodyte was, but the ad sounded enthusiastic and anyone who used five exclamations points in a row had to be sincere. I called the number.
A week later, I packed my wife’s bag while she was in the bathroom and told her we were taking a ride. She wouldn’t get in the car until I gave her some explanation, so I said we were going for ice cream. Then I felt like a jerk, so I really did stop and got some. We were almost finished our cones when we pulled up to the cave I had rented. It was just a dark hole coming out of the side of a hill with a steel door inset into the entrance.“What’s this?” she asked. “Are you going to kill me and throw my body in a cave?”
“Surprise!” I said and then had to explain I wasn’t referring to killing her.
“So . . . you’re going to lock me in a dark hole?” she asked hesitantly.
“Well . . . yeah, but not in those exact words. I rented you a cave. You said you wanted to sleep in a cave for a month. I booked it for a month, but they threw in an extra week free. Food’s provided and there’s—I checked the brochure I had pushed up my sleeve—natural air conditioning.”
“So . . . you want to lock me in a dark cave all by myself for five weeks?” I couldn’t interpret the expression on her face, but my confidence in the merits of my plan was beginning to be shaken; even more so when I saw tears forming in her eyes.
“Well, honey, you know—”
“Thank you!” she cried. “Thank you so, so much! I love you.” She threw her arms around me, gave me a quick kiss and then ran off towards the cave entrance, suitcase in hand. She pulled the huge steel door shut and it made a loud clang as it locked.
I got back into the car with a self-satisfied smile. Now it was just me for five weeks, just like when I was a bachelor.
Uh, I guess I’ll have to cook for myself. Well, no getting around that. I liked ramen.
And do the laundry and dishes. Ugh. Maybe I could make a big pile for five weeks.
No sex for five weeks. Dang. Dang, dang, dang.
I jumped out of the car and pounded on the door of the cave. “Hey, honey! I was thinking, why don’t we put up dark curtains in the bedroom. I can try to snore less . . . sometimes. Honey?”
There was no answer. I turned and sadly got back in the car.
June 21st, 2012 at 11:06 am
Five weeks in a cave sounds glorious! I know how the wife feels. Would it be too dark to read? I would need to be able to read. Great post!
June 21st, 2012 at 4:21 pm
I think they might provide a glowstick or something. I know my wife at least couldn’t go that long without reading.
June 21st, 2012 at 5:27 pm
amazing story david. just loved, loved, loved it 🙂
June 22nd, 2012 at 12:26 am
David, thanks for sharing your stories. I have not yet read one that I didn’t enjoy. Keep up the great work, and I predict that great things will come to you.
June 22nd, 2012 at 8:54 am
Thanks, Chris. You’re awesome 🙂 Hope things are going well there.
June 28th, 2012 at 7:31 pm
Sometimes when we wish, He will let us have it!
July 6th, 2012 at 11:22 pm
What an entertaining read. And one I completely get. 🙂 But I’m pretty sure my husband would never do such a thing for me. If he did, he’d be stuck with two kids by himself. He knows better than to ever put himself in that position…
Thanks for dropping by my blog. I appreciate it.
July 6th, 2012 at 11:41 pm
Yes, as tempting as it sounds, perhaps, wives and mothers are just too indispensable.
July 6th, 2012 at 11:45 pm
Indeed we are. 🙂