copyright Rochelle Wisoff-Fields
Knick-Knack Paddy Whack
Gut-twist, I call it—that hard, acidy stomach punch that comes when I smell the bright-red odor and see the crimson flowers blooming all over the walls and floor.
I do clean-up. Paddy lets all the red out and I collect it up in a bag, along with Miss Gone-Far-Away (it’s always Miss).
Paddy laughs at my knick-knacks, calls me a baby. But he lets me do it ‘cuz Miss Gone-Far-Away don’t need them anymore. So I take a coin, a charm, maybe a watch.
Sorry, I whisper to them every night. Sorry you met Paddy. I just do clean-up.
(Find this confusing? Want an explanation? Click here.)
The Green-Walled Tower 
September 4th, 2013 at 7:36 pm
Dear David,
I read this three times. If what I think is happening is….eeeeeeew. The accomplice is non too bright. A little Steinbeckish I think. Good one. Clever in fact.
Shalom,
Rochelle
September 4th, 2013 at 7:47 pm
I was worried that I made it a little too subtle, but you got the idea. It does seem a bit like Mice and Men in someway. Sometimes I have to think about a prompt for a long time, but this one just jumped out at me immediately.
September 4th, 2013 at 7:52 pm
Very well-caught…one has to read a couple of times to get it, but that’s interesting. Really the character is well-described!
September 4th, 2013 at 7:54 pm
Thank you, I’m glad you could catch the meaning. The good think about Fictioneers is we can experiment. If it doesn’t work, there’s always next week.
September 4th, 2013 at 8:00 pm
I don’t know whether I understood it correctly or not. If I got the meaning just fine, I’d say it is quite weird indeed. Confusing and mind boggling tale. Great job!
September 8th, 2013 at 11:48 am
Thank you. It is very weird, like most of my stuff. 🙂
September 4th, 2013 at 8:07 pm
*Spoilers*
So…every now and then, I read a story that seems interesting, but I have no idea what it’s about and I skim the comments to see if the author has dropped hints to other people. It seems this is a bit of a confusing story, so here’s the explanation, for those who are interested.
The narrator’s older brother, Paddy, is a mass murderer. He goes out and kills young woman and makes the narrator go with him to clean up the scene. He feels bad about it though so he takes a souvenir from each body to remember and apologize to. Yes, he’s a little mental deficient. I know some people don’t like the story being explained, so I hope this didn’t ruin anything.
-David
September 4th, 2013 at 9:57 pm
I got this straight away without your commentary or the comments. And it instantly made me think of Lennie, although perhaps not George. A really creepy idea, well written.
Only a minor thought though – it seemed to suggest there was only one victim to me by the use of the word ‘Miss’ – but in the third to last line the character says ‘them’. Would ‘Misses Gone-far-away’ work better? Actually that might be more confusing, since misses isn’t just the plural of Miss, but hopefully you get what I mean.
Claire
September 4th, 2013 at 10:50 pm
I thought of that but I used Miss since they were one by one. I’m glad it was clear. The first few commenters made me second-guess myself, I guess.
September 4th, 2013 at 10:48 pm
I agree with Claireful except for the need for plural misses – you don’t need plural misses because “it’s always Miss”.
Great character voice, and loved the descriptions of the blood as flowers on the wall and girl’s habit of collecting mementos. I also appreciate the coldness of the brother in making his little sister clean up, but the consideration he shows her by explaining to her that each of his victims has ‘gone far away’ rather than merely laughing and playing with their entrails 😉
September 4th, 2013 at 11:00 pm
Made me think of Stephen King’s Big Driver.
Well done.
September 5th, 2013 at 2:14 am
I’ve been editing crime fiction lately so I caught the bent serial killer character. They so often have their Lennie type lackey. Very Esoteric David
September 8th, 2013 at 11:50 am
Perhaps craziness attracts craziness. It’s always useful to have a lackey.
September 5th, 2013 at 2:27 am
Gosh I really think he should get out his resume, dust it off and send it out. He seems much too sweet to be a Good Fella! 😀
September 5th, 2013 at 2:45 am
Twisted! Well done as always. Although not completely clear on the first read I wouldn’t change a thing.
Tom
September 7th, 2013 at 3:12 am
I agree with Tom. I semi-got-it the first read, but didn’t get the whole picture until I read the explanation. Still–I’d leave as is.
September 5th, 2013 at 3:55 am
That was great, loved the shock value from what you didn’t actually say 🙂
September 8th, 2013 at 12:03 pm
Thanks. This one had a lot more that wasn’t explicitly said. I’m glad it came through okay.
September 5th, 2013 at 3:55 am
Yoinks! The moment I read “crimson flowers blooming all over the walls” (brilliant mind picture) I saw a blood-sprayed room.
Nicely done!
September 5th, 2013 at 3:56 am
I did get this pretty much straight away. Is that a sign I’ve watched too many crime TV shows?
September 8th, 2013 at 12:05 pm
🙂 Enough episodes of CSI or whatever and that blood spatter pattern on the wall jumps easily to mind.
September 5th, 2013 at 5:24 am
This was a very strong tale of a really bad man… and that acomplice … little mementos… I have to say Paddy has been very busy..
September 8th, 2013 at 12:05 pm
Yeah, I’d say, with a memento shelf like that. What’s going on with the police? Can’t they catch him? I guess the narrator is really good at clean-up.
September 5th, 2013 at 6:43 am
Brilliant!!!!! What else can I say?
September 8th, 2013 at 12:06 pm
🙂 Thanks!
September 5th, 2013 at 8:35 am
I’m so proud of myself that I got it and recognized the genre. You should be too, I can be pretty dense 😉
September 8th, 2013 at 12:06 pm
I’m proud of you. 🙂
September 5th, 2013 at 10:55 am
lovely collection…I love this…nice to read this and see the awesome pic dear 🙂
September 8th, 2013 at 12:06 pm
Thank you. I appreciate your comment.
September 5th, 2013 at 12:41 pm
A good, creepy one. You do creepy well! I’m officially creeped out. I hope I never meet Paddy. What I like best is, “I just do clean-up.”
September 8th, 2013 at 12:08 pm
If only people like Paddy were totally fictional. I like that last line too. It’s the narrator’s admission that what they are doing is wrong but trying to put the guilt off himself.
September 5th, 2013 at 4:13 pm
wow this was great. not only did you write a super creepy tale with vivid descriptions, you were also able to give the characters intriguing personalities. fantastic.
September 8th, 2013 at 12:11 pm
🙂 I could picture them in my mind and their interactions. I’m glad it came through in the writing.
September 5th, 2013 at 7:27 pm
With a friend like this, who needs enemies? A gruesome tale — and told in such an intriguing way that it approaches sideways. I did have to read the story a couple of times — but I think that’s its strong suit, as the narrator describes the goings on with his really interesting take.
September 8th, 2013 at 12:12 pm
Thank you. I’m glad it worked.
September 5th, 2013 at 10:23 pm
Some may not like the explanation but I was not thinking like that this morning, A dark scary little tale.
September 6th, 2013 at 4:18 am
Love it David, I got it on the second read through, everything except that they were brothers, but that explains why he would care enough to clean up after Paddy. Lovely descriptive work. 🙂
September 8th, 2013 at 12:13 pm
Well, they don’t have to be brothers, since there’s no hint of that in the writing, but it does show why they’d have a closer bond.
September 6th, 2013 at 5:57 am
Wow. Pretty gruesome, pretty grim. The trinkets of a serial killer. Very good take on the prompt.
September 6th, 2013 at 5:12 pm
It reminded me of Steinbeck ‘Of Mice and Men’ too, a great concept – it really brings a different life to the shelf.
September 7th, 2013 at 6:20 am
Well done David, great thought provoking piece
September 7th, 2013 at 8:08 pm
David this is pefectly gruesome, I wasn’t too sure on the first read through, but got it on the second. Your descriptions are brilliant, the way the ‘Cleaner-Upper’ just accepts what happens, but then says sorry every night….Very well done.
Dee
September 7th, 2013 at 11:18 pm
I got the story on the second read, and well… gross, sick, twisted… and well written. WIth all the poignant tales of love and memory loss, I was beginning to worry that the Friday Fictioneers had gone soft. Thank you for reminding me that it’s still not safe to hang out with you people… 😉
September 8th, 2013 at 12:00 am
With the Fictioneers, you never know what you’re going to find. 🙂
September 10th, 2013 at 4:57 am
I was able to figure it out on my own, probably from watching too much CSI. Well-told in 100 words.
September 10th, 2013 at 5:35 am
This is so good, in a creepy sort of way. A great way to go with the prompt!
September 11th, 2013 at 10:24 am
Hi David,
I had that old rhyme running through my head after I first saw the photo, but I couldn’t figure out any way to connect it to the image. You not only made the connection, you created a dark, sinister story with two vivid characters. Ron
September 21st, 2013 at 7:22 pm
scary
March 27th, 2019 at 11:15 am
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