This story had a double inspiration for me, the picture below and the song that gives this story its title.
Ain’t No Sunshine…
She always made me laugh, my cloudy-eyed Eleanor. Light and airy, she flitted from project to scheme like an aether sprite.
But her anger struck as sudden and violently as Odin’s wrath. Her incisive fury could cut me to pieces with a single sentence.
But I loved her. I still do.
She lived on the restless wind and one day it blew her away from me, leaving only a note with many words but no explanation.
I would have given her my heart, but instead she cut it out and left it in her final farewell. My lovely, cloudy-eyed Eleanor.
November 20th, 2013 at 10:35 pm
Very poetic, David, despite its prose form and I like the easy way you linked to the photo with the line about cutting him. One small thing: “But her anger, it struck”. Just leave it at “But her anger struck.” The “it” isn’t necessary and is redundant.
November 20th, 2013 at 10:59 pm
Thanks for the critique. I wrote it like that to try to give it a more lilting rhythm to the sentence, but you’re right that it’s redundant.
November 20th, 2013 at 11:04 pm
It’s just one of my little things. 🙂 I often hear something like: “My dad, he went…” and the pronoun is unnecessary. Not sure what the actual grammatical position is these days, but I know it used to be “wrong.” I do understand the rhythm concept, though, and most readers probably won’t care.
November 20th, 2013 at 11:10 pm
I’ll probably change it and see where I should spend my extra word. 🙂
November 20th, 2013 at 11:17 pm
I love Mr. Withers and your story is beautiful! I think I’ll be singing that song today…
November 20th, 2013 at 11:18 pm
It’s one of my favourite songs. 🙂
November 20th, 2013 at 11:25 pm
I love the images you paint with this story, especially …’she lived on the restless wind’
I’m sure I know her!
And a thousand thanks for the Bill Withers link, the song is one of my all-time favourites.
Although I understand what Janet means, I feel that you wanted to highlight Eleanor’s anger and if so then I think the ‘it’ is needed. Just my perception.
Good story, well written as always.
PS Apologies for not being able to ‘like’ I don’t seem to be able to like any stories, not sure what’s changed.
November 20th, 2013 at 11:28 pm
Thanks for the great comment. As long as you like the story, I don’t care if you “like” it or not. 🙂
November 21st, 2013 at 12:32 am
Love all the mythical references in here. 🙂
November 21st, 2013 at 1:33 am
“from project to scheme like an aether sprite” — what a great line, David… the whole thing’s terrific.
November 21st, 2013 at 2:19 am
The ‘cloudy eyes’ was a very memorable description, enhanced by the repetition. Good one David.
November 21st, 2013 at 2:23 am
Very poetic. I loved that repetition of cloudy-eyed Eleanor. Lovely
November 21st, 2013 at 2:48 am
Like your “aether sprite”, your writing has an ethereal quality making your story seem like an old-time fairy tale (before the legends with sad endings were sanitized to protect the psyche of the modern child). Very nice.
November 21st, 2013 at 8:56 am
So sad, I could feel his pain.
November 21st, 2013 at 11:22 am
Everything I wanted to say has been said. So I’ll leave it at “stunning.” Bravo!
November 21st, 2013 at 1:23 pm
Great story. I especially like that a restless wind blew her away! (Just as well I suppose.)
November 21st, 2013 at 3:01 pm
Unusual romantic surprise. Ahem! Very impressive work. Love it!
November 21st, 2013 at 4:29 pm
I’m full of surprises. 🙂
November 21st, 2013 at 4:35 pm
Always be 🙂
November 21st, 2013 at 6:19 pm
“she lived on the restless wind” very beautiful. i like the voice that you used to tell this piece 🙂
November 21st, 2013 at 6:38 pm
Your description of Eleanor is rich and poetic. So much feeling in so few words! And I love, love, love the Bill Withers song!
November 22nd, 2013 at 2:34 am
I enjoyed every line of this one, David. Romantic, poetic, beautiful… You had me with “she lived on the restless wind…” but then, you probably had me with the first line. Just gorgeous. The song, absolutely one of my favorites; no one, NO ONE, sings it better than Bill Withers.
November 22nd, 2013 at 10:46 am
Thank you very much. I’m glad you liked the song too. I can’t get enough of it. 🙂
November 22nd, 2013 at 11:12 am
Our whole family loves the song! But your post is really special too!
November 22nd, 2013 at 2:58 am
I couldn’t help but read Lenore instead of Eleanor — it had that haunting sense of loss of every sad E.A.Poe story about the lost Lenore….
November 22nd, 2013 at 10:45 am
Hmm, that’s an interesting connection, although it wasn’t intentional. The name Eleanor just came to me. I like your new Gravatar, by the way. 🙂
November 22nd, 2013 at 10:21 am
Seems like you were channeling Poe as much as Withers. Great story!
November 22nd, 2013 at 10:44 am
Possibly. 🙂 Thanks~
November 22nd, 2013 at 2:40 pm
She broke your heart…and left you…in pieces. How sad…
November 22nd, 2013 at 8:12 pm
Everything I would have said, has been said. It is beautiful and I love the flow. Your words just gently carried me through the tale and I enjoyed it immensely.
November 22nd, 2013 at 8:19 pm
Thank you for your kind comments. 🙂 Glad you liked it.
November 22nd, 2013 at 8:30 pm
Funny that I finished the rest of the sentence when I read your title, like a call and response. Wonderful song, and a wonderful story. The cloudy-eyed Eleanor sounds like a handful, and the narrator describes her poetically. Such is the love that he feels. Excellently written, David.
November 22nd, 2013 at 8:43 pm
Thank you kindly. I originally had the title as the full song title, but decided to shorten it to concentrate more on the weather metaphor.
November 22nd, 2013 at 8:34 pm
Oh the tragedy of unrequited love. And speaking of love, i thoroughly loved this.
November 22nd, 2013 at 8:42 pm
Thanks 🙂 Luckily this is fictional for me (at the moment), although I’ve been there before.
November 22nd, 2013 at 11:35 pm
splendid story David. seems like she is a child of whims and fancies, not made for relationships.
November 23rd, 2013 at 12:04 am
That’s probably true. It’s like trying to tie down a rainbow.
November 23rd, 2013 at 7:25 pm
exactly. have you heard the song “she’s like a wind”? I love that song.
November 23rd, 2013 at 2:43 am
Beautiful flow, David. I think I’ve known some women like Eleanor.
November 23rd, 2013 at 12:10 pm
I like your voice in this story, and how beautiful your description ” Cloudy eyed.” That sticks with you.
November 24th, 2013 at 1:27 am
Wow, David, this is dreamy. Another brilliant one from you. You’re not going to believe this, but I have an Eleanor in my story, too. Ha ha! And I had not read your story yet.
November 24th, 2013 at 8:21 am
Haha, great minds think alike, I guess. 🙂
November 24th, 2013 at 6:27 am
This is very well written… unrequited love… can’t be any worse.. A heart cut out.
November 24th, 2013 at 7:46 pm
Splendid! Loved all the references to nature. She was one destructive force.
November 25th, 2013 at 7:36 am
Yep, they should name a hurricane after her. Thanks for the comment. 🙂
November 25th, 2013 at 7:10 am
What a rich little beauty! The grey stone, like cloudy eyes; the unexplained words like the graffiti on the wall; and of course the cut-to-pieces man. Love this one!!!
November 27th, 2013 at 4:28 pm
Loved ‘incisive fury’ and the entire piece, or should I say ‘pieces’?