Typical First Date
The moon sparkled off the waterfall like the flash of a thousand smiles. It made me nervous, like a crowd was watching me. I pushed the box into the river and watched it bob away. Everything was inside: the bloody knife, the drop sheets, and the towel I used to clean up. Everything but my blood-red embarrassment.
Talk about a disastrous first date.
Her name was Danielle and she was diamond tiara to my baseball cap. I took her to an abandoned farm to show her the stars, driving her Mercedes since she was afraid of getting her dress dirty in my geriatric Honda.
I hadn’t counted on the mutant cows. Who would, right? Slippery buggers they are, twenty feet long with a mouth like an anaconda. The milk’s not bad though, I hear.
We were walking by the barn when a mutant cow—feral, I assume—leaped out and sucked Danielle down like a dandelion. She didn’t even have time to scream.
I got a pitchfork and killed the thing pretty quick, but then it took almost twenty minutes to cut her out, hacking here and there and spraying gore like a low-budget slasher. When I was finally finished, she stood there, covered in gunk and blood and stinking like a garbage man with a soap allergy.
She drove off alone, leaving me to clean up. Damn, I hate first dates; something always goes wrong.
Maybe I’ll call her tomorrow.
November 2nd, 2014 at 9:35 pm
Seems like for Danielle, it was business as usual. I think the second date will go much better. It’ll be a mutant owlbear.
November 2nd, 2014 at 9:39 pm
He’s pretty optimistic to expect a second date, in my opinion. It might depend on Danielle’s spirit of adventure, when she gets cleaned up. 🙂
November 3rd, 2014 at 2:34 am
I love this! Excellent writing my friend
November 3rd, 2014 at 7:51 am
Haha! You had me going is so many directions. I truly couldn’t predict what wouls happen next. I love that. Mutant cows sound cool, but dangerous. You had me laughing at the end. Very well done! 🙂
November 3rd, 2014 at 2:49 pm
Thanks. I was hoping people who didn’t like slashers would keep reading beyond the first paragraph. It does take several twists.
November 3rd, 2014 at 10:02 am
brilliant story!!! absolutely brilliant. 🙂
November 3rd, 2014 at 2:48 pm
Thanks! Im hoping to edit it up and submit somewhere.
November 3rd, 2014 at 6:53 pm
I bet she wished she had took your Honda after all. I imagine the smell of mutant cow insides can really stink up a car. Great fun story.
November 3rd, 2014 at 10:43 pm
Good point. Mutant cow gore doesn’t go well with most Mercedes interiors.
November 5th, 2014 at 3:22 am
Ah yes, that sounds typical alright David, mutant cows and smells like vile ‘garbage man with soap allergy’ et al! 😀
November 5th, 2014 at 4:03 am
Brilliant. I love that twist. And the description of the mutant cows made me laugh
November 7th, 2014 at 4:49 am
Well, David, you certainly lived up to your bio…I am a writer of anything quirky and weird Wonderful story and totally unexpected. I’d forget her if I were him. I mean, he saved her life and she just takes off without so much as a “Thank you.” Bad manners that was. 😀