copyright Al Forbes
Ablutophobic
“NOOOO!” my son screamed. He Houdini’ed out of my grasp, snaked between my legs and sought refuge under the table.
“Nathan,” my tone was firm but warning. “This is going to happen. Now hold still.”
He was like a cornered tiger, so I took it slow, making hushing noises as I moved in. Just when I thought I had him, he slipped under the far side and hopped out the kitchen window.
My walkie-talkie crackled. “Status?”
“He pulled a runner,” I said. “Target’s in the backyard, heading towards the woods.”
“Copy. I’m ready to go mobile.”
I ran to the roof, where my wife was in the cockpit of a small helicopter.
“He can’t have gotten far,” she said. As soon as I was in, she took off, heading towards the grassy space behind the house.
“Do you have the stuff?” I asked.
She pointed between the seats. “Right here.”
We spotted Nathan running hard. My wife maneuvered the chopper above him. “Now!” she shouted.
I grabbed the bucket and dumped the warm, soapy contents out the door. It hit Nathan square on the head, running down his hair like a judge’s wig.
“Does that count as a bath?” she asked.
“It’s as good as we’re getting.” Nathan was looking up furiously. I threw him a towel.
“How long will this have to go on?” she asked.
I shrugged. “Well, his high school graduation is this afternoon. I think he’s on his own after that.”
Note: although I used this title for comedic effect, I don’t wish to make light of the actual phobia, which can be a serious thing for those who suffer with it.
The Green-Walled Tower 
February 16th, 2015 at 6:37 am
Loved this! I pictured a small boy all through this so the ending came as quite a surprise. 😀
February 16th, 2015 at 6:11 pm
Thanks. That’s what I was going for.
February 16th, 2015 at 7:16 pm
It worked!
February 16th, 2015 at 6:47 am
Ah, I was not expecting that! 🙂 Wonderful story!
February 16th, 2015 at 6:11 pm
🙂 Thanks.
February 16th, 2015 at 10:12 am
LOL I hope he grows up fast before he goes out into the big, wide world. He has to put his ‘big boy pants on’ as my pastor is fond of saying when one needs to take responsibility for their actions and be accountable. 🙂
February 16th, 2015 at 6:10 pm
Hopefully he does grow up when he’s on his own. I wrote this to be funny, although it occurred to me that it wouldn’t be funny at all if a boy still refused to take a bath at 18. I guess this is one of those “it’s funny because it’s not true” situations.
February 16th, 2015 at 9:28 pm
I think if I had a son at 18 who refused to take a shower or bath I’d be turning the biggest fire hose on him I could find. 🙂 But, fortunately I had only girls (2) now grown with kids of their own with no issues or concerns of hygiene habits. 🙂
February 17th, 2015 at 5:53 pm
This is just awesome. I love it. You got me laughing out loud. The things parent must do to get children to take a bath. *sigh* I don’t suppose the son has a girlfriend does he?
February 17th, 2015 at 9:23 pm
Probably not, but hopefully there is hope for the future. 🙂
February 18th, 2015 at 1:10 am
Actually, when they discover girls, the discover baths…and tons of cologne; but oh well, you can’t have it all.
February 18th, 2015 at 7:11 pm
That’s true. Some people just need a reason to stay clean. 🙂
March 8th, 2015 at 11:31 am
I’m in tears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 8th, 2015 at 6:09 pm
Thanks! I’ll take that as a good thing. 🙂
March 17th, 2015 at 1:58 am
poor parents.