The Gate
“Passports.”
Gripping my young son’s hand, I hand the border guard the envelope, the colorful bills inside arranged like a rainbow of freedom. He peeks inside, then regards me for what seems like years. I start to sweat.
“Wait here.”
He leaves, with the precious envelope. That rainbow represents years of soul-numbing toil. I stare at the gate in front of us. I have dreamed about it so often.
Finally, he returns. “How many are with you?”
“Four.”
Slowly, he opens the envelope and removes half the money. He hands it back to me and winks.
And we are free.
January 14th, 2016 at 1:33 am
What a lovely guard – I wasn’t expecting that!
January 14th, 2016 at 5:01 am
I loved this. I really liked the ‘rainbow’ of notes and the feel-good ending after a nicely paced tense drama. Not bad for 100 words. 🙂
January 14th, 2016 at 9:27 pm
Thanks so much, Sandra. You made my day. 🙂
January 14th, 2016 at 5:32 am
Dear David,
You had me sweating with anticipation and worry. I liked the rainbow as well. Well done as always.
Shalom,
Rochelle
January 14th, 2016 at 9:24 pm
Thanks Rochelle. It was hard to put everything I want in 100 words, but I got it down to the required.
January 14th, 2016 at 7:30 am
Great tension! Makes the happy ending even more appreciated. I liked the rainbow imagery too.
January 14th, 2016 at 9:23 pm
Thanks, Joy. Glad you liked it.
January 14th, 2016 at 7:58 am
Good tension with an unexpected positive twist. My only suggestion would be to get rid of “And” in the last line. I think “We are free” would be stronger on its own.
January 14th, 2016 at 1:00 pm
Great take on the photo. Love the words “the colorful bills inside arranged like a rainbow of freedom…” Great imagery. You’ve created the tension well as she waits, sharing her thoughts…and then the words “Finally, he returns.”
The humanity of the guard is a twist.
C: For me….I’d prefer to keep the seriousness, the possibility of the bad, the palpable fear of their situation and the power of the guard by possibly ending it
“he hands it back to me and…smiles.
We are free.”
Again — just a thought in my perspective. But — I think you’ve really done a great job here with a unique take on the prompt. Well done!
January 14th, 2016 at 8:55 pm
Thanks, Lillian, for the thoughts and criticism. I appreciate it. Glad you liked it.
January 14th, 2016 at 1:17 pm
Some excellent flash this cycle. Thanks for the upbeat ending. Needing it after the week we’ve had. Rainbow of freedom – a world in that phrase alone.
January 14th, 2016 at 8:53 pm
Thanks. I like the image that invokes as well. 🙂
January 14th, 2016 at 1:56 pm
I think a lot of my own reaction when I read this… the guard is a good guy because he only takes half the bribe.. so half bastard becomes good guy in a way,.. 🙂 but very well told from my perspective.
January 14th, 2016 at 8:52 pm
Thanks, Bjorn. I wanted to write a story without ideal morals, humanity in the midst of a corrupt system. Glad you liked it.
January 14th, 2016 at 3:54 pm
Nice tale well told!
January 14th, 2016 at 8:51 pm
Thanks!
January 14th, 2016 at 8:56 pm
You’re quite the writer David.
Still looking for “The Girl Who Could Snee”.
I wondered if the gate was more than a tale for you?
January 14th, 2016 at 9:17 pm
Thanks, Mike. I’m glad this story rings true enough for you to think it was more than just fiction, but no. However, I have stood in a lot of lines at border crossings and in immigration offices, although I always had a passport. 🙂
Thanks for asking about The Girl Who Could Snee. It’s still in production, going slower than I’d like, but progressing. The novel is mostly done. It’s been a crazy busy time.
January 15th, 2016 at 2:16 am
Freedom at half the price….a much better deal than he expected. 🙂
January 23rd, 2016 at 7:58 pm
Yes, that is probably the very best scenario he could have expected in that situation.
January 15th, 2016 at 6:30 am
sounds like Indian border 😉
January 15th, 2016 at 1:19 pm
In a corrupt system, those who keep the payments in proportion to the service can be considered good guys. It depends on the illegal action they are paid to do. I wonder what freedom the people leaving have in mind: freedom from oppression, from poverty, from hopelessness? I like how you keep the tension up, with a great and completely unexpected twist, and yet leave it open to many interpretations.
January 23rd, 2016 at 7:56 pm
Thank you. I was picturing an oppressive government, where they were denied passports, so that they couldn’t leave and so had to scrape up the money for a bribe. You’re right though, there could be many reasons.
January 15th, 2016 at 11:22 pm
How kind! Well, sort of. He still takes half.
Great story. Come see mine here.
January 18th, 2016 at 9:08 pm
Well yes, it’s not really a story of pure virtue, but at least some kindness in a corrupt system. 🙂
January 19th, 2016 at 12:13 am
That actually makes better fiction than if he had given back all of it.
January 23rd, 2016 at 7:52 pm
Yeah, I wanted to strike a middle ground. Giving it all back is not realistic in the situation.
January 16th, 2016 at 11:17 am
You build the tension well. Also rings true – there are some human beings in these positions of authority.
January 16th, 2016 at 6:19 pm
The transitions in life are depicted superbly in such vivid image in the mind as I sat staring at the screen waiting for him to return. The opening of a compelling story! Very eloquent with amazing refinement!
January 18th, 2016 at 9:07 pm
Thank you so much, Diane. I appreciate your comments. 🙂
January 16th, 2016 at 10:55 pm
I like the “rainbow of freedom.” And the guard took only half? That was unexpected. Nice to have a bit of optimism for once! Great story, David.
January 18th, 2016 at 8:57 pm
Thanks Amy. I wanted to write a positive one this time.
January 18th, 2016 at 9:16 am
Oh..that was nice! I was so expecting him to deny half the group.
January 18th, 2016 at 8:56 pm
Every now and then, something good happens at immigration. 🙂
January 19th, 2016 at 5:42 am
A lot of tension leading to the conclusion of this story, David. The end was really happy. She got one of the good guards. I know about rainbow money. We have different colors here, at least green, red, and sepia colored. There’s a lot of decoration. Well written with good description. 🙂 — Suzanne
January 23rd, 2016 at 7:03 pm
Thank you, Suzanne. When I grew up in Canada, our money was multi-hued as well, but now that I’m in the States, it’s all just boring green. 🙂 Glad you liked it.