Happy New Year, and yay I’m back and not dead!
Although it might have seemed like it, I haven’t given up on writing. In fact, I have been writing nonstop for the last year, doing a series of five books for my nieces and nephews. Those are finally done and now I have a little more time on my hands, although admittedly I have another six (slightly shorter) books planned for this year.
I am going to try to post more stories on the blog this year. It’s not a resolution since those tend not to last; I’m just going to try.
And now, a story.
Turning a Blind Eye
It was a hard call to make, but I finally got up my nerve to pick up the phone.
“Hey John, I can’t make it into work today,” I said when my boss answered.
I heard the expected sigh. “What is it this time?”
“You’re blind?” Skepticism dripped off the words, probably leaving little scorch marks on the floor of John’s kitchen or wherever he was at the moment.
“Yeah . . . it’s complicated.”
“Well it had better get uncomplicated fast,” he said. “This is your fifth absence this month. Heather’s going to burn the office if she has to cover for you much more.”
“I’ll try to regain my sight by tomorrow,” I said.
“See that you do,” was all he said before he hung up.
I put the phone down, felt my way to the living room recliner, and sat alone in the dark for a moment. Then I said out loud, “Okay, let’s talk about this.”
It sounds strange, but my eyes were on strike. To be fair, I had been treating them badly lately. Besides that unfortunate bout of pinkeye a month back, I often fall asleep with my contacts in and have to pry them off my eyeballs the next morning.
The final straw, though, was when I looked at the sun the day before. It wasn’t for very long—just a second—but my vision suddenly went black.
“Enough of this,” a voice in my head said. “These are unreasonable working conditions. We’re on strike.”
Luckily for me, I had been at home. I felt my way inside and sat down in the living room.
“Who are you?” I said. It took a while to answer. My ears are quiet, passive things and don’t like to make a fuss, but eventually they passed the message along to my eyes.
“We’re your eyes.” There was only one voice, but with just a slight echo, as if there were two voices speaking at exactly the same time. “We’re tired of you taking advantage of us all the time. We’re important and we’re not working again until conditions change.”
It was early evening about then, and I wanted supper. I tried to call for pizza, but after accidentally calling my Uncle Joe five times in a row, I gave up and ate half a loaf of bread and two bananas that were on my kitchen counter.
Everything was still dark, but even now and then little slogans would drift across my vision. EYES ARE THE WINDOW OF THE SOUL! THERE IS NO “EYE” IN OPPRESSION! I pointed out that there was an “i” in oppression, but it wasn’t appreciated.
Around 8:00pm there was talk about getting a union together. Since it was my body, I kind of had a general idea of what was going on, although I wasn’t sure how. The eyes first tried to form the UEO (United Essential Organs), but the heart and lungs pointed out that eyes weren’t strictly essential in the same way the torso organs were and that they would be cold in our collective grave before they took orders from a pair of brown-irised head marbles.
No one even tried to approach the brain since that was clearly management.
It was 9:30 and I was trying to listen to the radio (good old ears) when the eyes gave up on the UEO and came up with the SOC (Sense Organ Cooperative). The nose came on board immediately in a sympathy strike and I stopped smelling the popcorn I had just succeeded in burning. Taste went soon after since taste does whatever smell says.
The ears were still holding out, saying they just wanted to keep doing their job and not cause any trouble. After all, I hadn’t jammed any Q-tips down there and never listened to obnoxiously loud rock music.
The skin couldn’t get a consensus among its various types of nerve receptors, but I felt some numb spots for a while and random hot flashes. I fell asleep with slogans like “The brain needs you, you don’t need the brain” and “Fair labor practices are a sight for sore eyes!” parading across my vision.
The next day, after I talked to John, I sat in my recliner, trying to get the striking organs to come to the bargaining table. I didn’t want to be blind my whole life, and I really didn’t want to lose my job. However, once I got them talking, it was easy. The eyes demanded better sunglasses and eye drops twice a day. The nose just asked that I never take a job cleaning out septic tanks.
After giving my word, my eyesight slowly came back, along with my senses of smell and taste. Finally.
I was just about to call John and tell him I wasn’t blind anymore when I felt a clenching somewhere deep in my bowels.
“You know,” a small voice said, “I don’t want to sound like a butthole, but I’m feeling very unappreciated. I’m not moving anymore until you hear my demands.”
Enough of this. I headed to the pharmacy to pick up a bottle of “strike buster”.
January 10th, 2018 at 6:14 am
:’) As usual, another great take at your kind of humor. And hope you tended to all your organs well 😛 And an apt title as well. Keep writing 🙂
January 17th, 2018 at 8:22 pm
Thanks. 🙂 Now that I’m a manager, I think more about keeping everybody happy and productive.
February 2nd, 2018 at 12:43 am
February 21st, 2018 at 9:11 pm