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Dear Aunt Hattie…

Dear Aunt Hattie Letter

I refolded the yellowed paper and after slipping it back into its crinkled envelope, I set it back against the gravestone. As I stood up, I saw a chinchilla staring at me from the top of a gravestone twenty feet away. Its eyes seemed to glow in the dying twilight. I’d never seen one in the wild before.

The sun sunk below the hills and the cemetery was plunged into darkness. I bolted for my car, every second dreading to hear tiny, skittering footsteps on the path behind me.

 

 

 

 

 

chinchilla gif


The Giant’s Bride

The Giant’s Bride

I was the first and only settler on Titan, a billion miles from the nearest sister human. I don’t need a man; I don’t even need a mankind.

I forsook them, plighting my troth to one who could never reciprocate my devotion: Titan, that lofty moon who innocently holds 300 times more fossil fuel than the entire Earth. Someday, if greedy corporate eyes gaze this way, I will thwart them.

Even so, as I watch the glassy methane river gurgle slowly past my house, as Saturn rises hugely like an effulgent goddess, I cry for the beauty of it all.

 


The Irrational God

Happy Pi Day everyone! This is about the nerdiest possible holiday outside of May the 4th. (Of course, it only works in countries that write today’s date as 3/14 and not 14/3). To celebrate, we bought an apple pie and also because who needs an excuse to get pie?

I posted this poem back in 2012 but I thought I’d post it again, since it seems appropriate to the day. Have a great day and do something irrational (defined here as something that keeps changing and never ever gets finished.)

pi

I wonder why the real world has such odd numbers;

They never seem to fit.

How many students would thank God if π=3?

Never minding the odd circles we would have.

*

A single digit,

How boring for an infinite God

Who delights in the endless diversity of the irrational;

Never repeating but infinite in variety.

*

As self-contained as the circle

The irrational Greek letter describes.

Reflected in the curve of a galaxy or the path of an electron:

A seemingly simple curve containing an infinity of detail.

*

So what do we do with

An irrational God,

Instantly truncated in a world where significant digits

Seem to carry such grave significance?

*

Some people want a 3.14 God,

Easy to understand, easy to deal with, easy to calculate.

Some strive for 15926 or with a lifetime of prayer and holiness can see 53589.

But even they are sometimes tempted to round up and call it a day.

*

For all our striving, the whole of human history could never approach

A single significant digit of God’s irrationality.

*

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751

05820974944592307816406286208998628

034825342117067…

*

Heaven is in the details.

Pi border


First Sale

 

FF170 Emmy L Gant

copyright Emmy L Gant

First Sale

“I don’t know. How much would you want for it?”

“50?”

“How about 20?”

“I guess.”

“Of course, it’s got that garbage can in the shot. Kinda ugly.”

“It’s a Persian flaw.”

“You took it in Paris.”

“Fine, Parisian flaw.”

“I suppose if I buy this, you’ll consider yourself a professional, right?”

“Well, I would be, right?”

“And, you’ll say professionals should be independent.”

“All the ones I know are.”

“You’ll go off to live in some faraway city, attending trendy parties, having existential discussions in cafés. Becoming a different person.”

“Could happen.”

“Fine, I’ll buy the photograph.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

 


Rabid Disregard

Captain Rabid did not inspire confidence, beginning with his name and ending with his apparent desire to kill his entire crew. On his first day he dismissed the ship’s doctor in order to motivate the men not to get injured or sick. He routinely ordered them to charge enemy ships head on, despite the fact that it gave the foe a perfect chance to rake the ship from stem to stern. Eventually enemy ships would just turn and run, not wanting to fight a crazy man.

One of the midshipmen had a pool going to guess the reason for this apparent insanity. The top choice was that he was suicidal; the second choice was homicidal. Less popular choices were that he had a father who was a hero and was trying to follow in his footsteps. In last place was the idea that he just wanted to get fired and go home.

*        *        *

Captain Rabid opened his diary.

Dear diary, I have done everything exactly wrong and still I am employed. The ship’s pool is at almost 100 pounds. Tomorrow, I will claim it, then have a naughty phrase concerning the admiral’s mother painted on the side of the ship. I should be at home in my garden by the end of the week.


No One Sued Me Over Miss Sulfur

I found out this week that our university’s literary journal is going to publish my story, Braiding Mythology. Now I’m apprehensively waiting to see what my colleagues will think of me after they read it. I dedicated that story to my wife, and I am dedicating this one to her too.

(If you’re wondering how this picture led to this story, look closely at the green battery.)

FF169 Sean Fallon

Copyright Sean Fallon

 

There is nothing new under the sun.

I once created a group of scientific superheroes. I called them the “Miss Elementals”, one for each element on the periodic table.

First Marvel sued me because Miss Iron was too close to Ironman.

Then the creator of Sailor Moon sued me because of Miss Mercury.

Miss Krypton led to a lawsuit with DC Comics.

I finally abandoned the project when Goldman Sachs sued me over Miss Gold.

It’s okay though. I have this new idea about superheroes based on the planets of the solar system. That’s never been done before, has it?

 


Burn Table

Burn Table

The mayor was here a week ago. News crews scurried around, getting the best angles and making sure the audio was clear as the mayor stood on cracked and weed-strewn concrete and talked about urban revitalization. He used the word “rebirth” nine times in his thirteen-minute speech.

The thing about birth is that everyone thinks of the end result. No one thinks about the labor.

A week later, and it was just me and the soot boys, getting ready to burn down 1300 abandoned houses. It’s funny how ‘R’ words like revitalization and rebirth sound nice, but raze, ruin, and rip out really don’t, even when they’re two sides of the same coin.

“Go down Derby Street,” I told the soot boys, consulting the burn table. “We’ll take down the left side this morning, numbers 34 to 68.” We had to check each house to make sure they were empty, then Ronnie and Jimmy went in with what were basically commercial flamethrowers and physics did the rest. We didn’t have a firefighter crew on standby. If the fire ever did spread, that would just mean less work for us further down the road. We were at least five miles away from any property worth saving.

“Got a squatter in number 44,” Andy said over the radio.

“So make him move,” I said. “He’s got ten minutes.”

“He won’t go.”

I sighed and walked down to the house. The man looked like a typical squatter: long, unkempt hair and clothes whose time between washings was probably measured in years.

“I’m sorry sir, but you’re going to have to move,” I said. “We’re burning this house this morning.”

“You don’t understand.” There were tears in his eyes. “I live here.”

“I understand, but you can move to another house.” No point in mentioning that we’d be burning them all down eventually.

“You don’t get it. I bought this house fifteen years ago,” he said. “The bank took it after we’d been living here for ten years. My kids were born here!” He was crying now, but didn’t try to wipe the tears away.

“I’m sorry, sir,” I said again. I hated to see the human face of the job I had been contracted to do so I put on my best mask of professionalism. “The bank has sold this property to the city revitalization trust. They have contracted me to remove all existing properties. This particular property is on the schedule for today.” I showed him the burn table.

“This used to be a thriving neighborhood,” he said, throwing out a skinny arm to encompass the morgue of broken-windowed, sagging-roofed houses that surrounded us. “You know, the first weekend we moved in, all the neighbors came over and helped us move. John Grant, over there at number 55—”

I didn’t want to hear any more. “I’ll give you until this afternoon,” I said. I picked up the radio. “Change of plan, guys. Switch to the right side for this morning.” I walked away before I could see if this pitiable creature was grateful or angry.

There were no squatters in any of the houses from 29 Derby Street to number 59 and soon Ronnie and Jimmy were walking down the street, spewing roaring, smoky destruction onto the decaying embodiments of failed dreams. I wonder how they thought about it, but knowing those two, it was nothing more than x dollars per hour. The whole row was a wall of flames by 10:30, and we retreated back to the truck to eat snacks and watch the fire do our work for us.

“I think it jumped,” Andy said, pointing down the road. There was smoke rising from the left side of the street.

“Crap! He didn’t, did he?”

“So let him. Less work for us.”

“What if he’s inside?” I said. They didn’t care; he was just another squatter to them, but to me it was an investigation and possibly a reprimand if someone died on my watch. I didn’t want to get the truck that close to the fires, so I walked as quickly as I could down the left hand sidewalk, knowing there was nothing I could do if the squatter had set the house on fire with him inside.

The man was sitting on the sidewalk, watching as greedy tongues of fire snaked out through blackened glass and out from under the eaves. He was not crying any longer, but the look of pain on his face was worse.

“Sorry, it just didn’t seem right to have strangers do it,” he said. “Will I get in trouble?”

I shook my head. “Be careful, though,” I said. Then, “You want something to eat?”

He nodded and stood up. With one last look at the doomed house, he turned his back and we walked away.

burning-house2

[Source]


Landlocked

Luxembourg

The good ol’ red white and blue for half a million Europeans

Landlocked

“I think you’re being aggressive.”

“I am not being aggressive! All I said was that I really want a vacation by the sea. I’m feeling stifled.” Luxembourg sighed. “All I asked for was a tiny corridor to the ocean. Even for a month?”

Belgium looked doubtful. “Yeah, but what if you don’t give it back? I know, let’s just hook up. Then you’d get lots of beach, through me.”

“Me and you?”

Belgium shrugged. “Yeah, and Netherlands too, if you want. Whatever.”

“That’s sick.”

“Just picture is: Benelux. It could be a thing.”

“Hey, what are we talking about?” a bleary voice from the northeast asked.

“Oh go back to sleep, Netherlands. It was just a joke,” Belgium said.

“You know, there’s more than one way to get to the sea,” France said, sidling over.

“Look, I really didn’t mean to imply that—oh geez, here comes Germany.”

Several hours later, after untold glasses of wine and beer and several annexation proposals, Germany wandered off and Belgium fell asleep. Luxembourg sat and pondered. There had to be a better way to get some beachfront property: something less wussy than being absorbed into another country, and less super-villainy than blowing up all the land between it and the ocean.

France was still there, drunkenly explaining how big it was.

“Dude, I’ve got this place called Clipperton Island. It’s off the coast of Mexico in the Pacific, of all places. I haven’t even been there in like a hundred years. I just like to tell people I own it. I even tell people I own part of Antarctica, though not everyone believes me.”

“How much land do you have?” Luxembourg asked.

“Beau—coup.” France smiled, then got up and went home.

Luxembourg called up a friend in the United Nations. “It’s not that I’m feeling small or anything, Kimoon. I’m just wondering if there is any land no one has taken yet. I just need some lebensraum, you know? I mean—forget I said that.”

“Two words for you,” Kimoon said. “Bir Tawil.”

“No thanks. I’ve already had a lot of beer this evening—”

“No, it’s a place in Africa. Maybe you could have it.”

“Actually, I’m a little leery about colonizing Africa,” Luxembourg said. “Belgium’s told me a thing or two about what it went through there. I don’t want to become that. It’s just not me.”

“No, it’s perfect. It’s a tiny little place between Sudan and Egypt—actually, it’s about your size. Sudan says it belongs to Egypt and Egypt says it’s Sudan’s, so neither one claims it. Honestly, if you want it, you can just have it. It’s a real headache for map makers. Rand McNally has been breathing down my neck about it for years.”

“You sure it’d be okay?”

Kimoon laughed. “You’re Luxembourg! Who’s going to say no to you?”

This was sounding pretty good. “Okay then! I’ll send some guys down this week with a flag and get things set up. How are the beaches there?”

“Beaches? It’s totally landlocked. That’s shouldn’t bother you though, right?” He laughed and hung up the phone.

Luxembourg sat alone in the bar. It had just doubled the size of its territory, so why wasn’t it happier? It didn’t need to be like Canada, with its 200,000 plus kilometer coastline. All it wanted was a place by the water, where it could sit and listen to the seagulls.

And maybe a navy.


The Legend of Arthur King

The Legend of Arthur King

“Good evening, and welcome to the BBC News at Six. He calls himself the reincarnation of the legendary king of the Britons, but his passport says Arthur King. Mr. King is on a quest to rid the country of what he calls ‘invaders and filthy foreigners.’ He was recently arrested after threatening to ‘blow up Essex’. Our history correspondent Alastair Forbington interviewed him today.”

The picture shifts to an inmate in Belmarsh Prison.

“It’s disgusting, you know, the way these foreigners are taking over everything. When I was king, Briton was ruled by the true British. Not like now. Now, the Anglo-Saxon horde has so completely overrun our fair island that you can’t throw a stone without hitting one of them. They’ve even gotten into our place names. Essex? That’s just ‘East Saxon’. England? That means ‘Angle-land’. And the sad thing is, we just let it happen, little by little. Starting right now, I’m calling for a crusade against these foreign devils. All true Britons come meet me in Gwynedd and slowly, we will take back our country.”

“I see. So you are declaring war on every last man, woman, and child on Great Britain, including yourself?”

“If that’s what it takes. One more thing, we need to stop using this barbarous ‘Angle-ish’ language. From now on, it’s Brittonic or nothing.”


Marketing 101

“What’s this car run on?”

“It runs on love,” I said.

The investor stared at me. “Really?”

“Yeah.” I was sweating. “You think about someone you love; it powers the car.”

“I’m out,” he said. “I don’t want to break down because of an attack of road rage.”

Actually, the car ran on belief. If you believed it worked, it did. But belief was too nebulous. You had to concentrate on something. I picked love.

The next year, I saw an ad for the Chevy ‘Murica. It ran on American greatness. They sold millions.

I should have gone with that.


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