Losing Weight Like a Champ

My doctor told me I had to lose weight, so I decided to get serious about it. I brought my weight out into the wilderness. Just drove until I didn’t see any signs of civilization. Then I dropped it off, told it to get lost, and drove away in a hurry. I turned up the radio so I wouldn’t hear it bawling at me, yelling about all the delicious bacon double cheeseburgers we’d shared or those ice cream sundaes as big as my head.


I went into work the next day and felt pretty good about myself, especially with everyone complimenting me on how good I looked. Then at lunchtime, my friend commented on what I was eating.

“You look good, but now comes the hard part,” he said.

“The hard part? What do you mean? I’ve already lost the weight.”

“It comes back,” he said.

“It does? How can it? I drove it really far away.”

“Dude, are you kidding me? The weight you lost was all fat. That has more calories than anything else. And with the amount you lost, it can go for months and months. It’s coming back, I guarantee it.”

“Why couldn’t I have lost some other sort of weight,” I lamented, looking up beseechingly at the ventilation system. “What about bone mass? No calories there.”

He shook his head. “Not a good idea.”


“Uh, no. Best not to lose too much of that.”

“Why couldn’t I have just lost water weight?” I asked, to no one in particular.

“That comes back even faster,” he said. “It’s liquid. It flows. Duh.”

He was right and I kept a sharp eye out for my returning weight. The next day my doorbell rang. There was a box of doughnuts on my front step.

“Sweet!” I yelled. Everybody likes free doughnuts. I was about to pick it up when I hesitated. “Wait a minute. No one’s ever sent me free doughnuts before. Is that you, weight?”

A second’s pause, then a sheepish voice from inside the box said, “Yeah.”

“Get out of here. I don’t want to see you anymore.” Out of morbid curiosity, I flipped up the lid of the box. “Ugh, you look terrible.”

“Do you know what I had to go through to get back here?” it said. “Come on, let me back in. I can’t live without you.”

“I can live without you,” I said.

“Remember all the good times we had together? All that yummy food and refreshing lack of exercise?”

“You were just a byproduct!” I shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the box. “You made me feel bad about myself. People made fun of you, do you know that? Little children called me a whale, because of you!”

“Whales are beautiful, majestic animals,” the weight said, although it sounded less sure of itself now. “Anyway, what are you going to do, eat salad your whole life? Without blue cheese dressing? Are you going to eat tofu? Have you ever tried it?”

“I had it once,” I said. “Maybe I can wrap some bacon around it to give it some flavor.”

“Yeah, you do that,” it said, and snickered.

Finally, I brought it inside, since I didn’t want the neighbors to see. I tied the doughnut box shut so it couldn’t get out, but I knew that wouldn’t keep it long.


I had heard that the gym was a good place to lose weight, so I brought it there the next day. I could see why people said that: it was like a maze with all those weird machines littered about. I got lost several times. I tried to put down the weight and run away but everyone else was trying to lose weight too and since I wasn’t exercising, other people’s orphan weight kept trying to get me to adopt it. I got out of there fast.

I finally shipped my weight to a sumo wrestler school in Japan, where I hope they’ll want it. Call it my good deed for the day. I might even claim it as a charitable deduction on my taxes.

About David Stewart

I am a writer of anything quirky and weird. I love most genres of fiction and in each there are stories that I would consider "my kind of story". View all posts by David Stewart

24 responses to “Losing Weight Like a Champ

Let me know what you think. I appreciate all comments and criticisms.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tao Talk

Taotalk is a forum for the discussion of both the academic and pragmatic aspects of dao and Daoism, with participants expressing themselves on Daoist writings and pragmatics from their unique perspectives. It serves as a community for Daoists, and those interested in Daoism, to gather and talk dao.

H J Musk

Taking on the world one story at a time ...

CG Express

Writing, Musing, Sharing

Bridgette Tales

Everybody has a story. Here's a little of mine.

Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha

Musings and books from a grunty overthinker

Rolling Boxcars

Where Gaming Comes at you like a Freight Train

Lady Jabberwocky

Write with Heart

Fatima Fakier

| Self-actualisation | Achieve your potential

The Pinay Ajumma

just sharing

The Green-Walled Treehouse

Explore . Imagine . Create

One Minute Office Magic

Learning new Microsoft Office tricks in "just a minute"


Just grin and bear it awhile

Linda's Bible Study

Come study God's Word with me!

Haden Clark

Better conversations toward a better tomorrow.

Citizen Tom

Welcome to Conservative commentary and Christian prayers from Mount Vernon, Ohio.

The Green-Walled Chapel

Writings on Faith, Religion and Philosophy

To Be A Magician

A fiction blog of funny and dark stories

My music canvas

you + me + music

Eve In Korea

My Adventures As An ESL Teacher In South Korea

Luna's Writing Journal

A Place for my Fiction

Upper Iowa University

Center for International Education

Here's To Being Human

Living life as a human


Book Reviewer and Blogger


kitten loves the world

Strolling South America

10 countries, 675 days, 38,540km

It's All in Finding the Right Words

The Eternal Search to Find One's Self: Flash Fiction and Beyond

Reflections Of Life's Journey

Lessons, Joys, Blessings, Friendships, Heartaches, Hardships , Special Moments

A Writer's Path

Sharing writing tips, information, and advice.

Chris Green Stories

The Best Short Stories on the Internet

Finding Myself Through Writing

Writing Habits of Elle Knowles - Author


Inspiring mental health through creative arts and friendly interactions. (Award free blog)


Straight up with a twist– Because life is too short to be subtle!

Unmapped Country within Us

Emily Livingstone, Author

Silkpurseproductions's Blog

The art of making a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

BJ Writes

My online repository for works in progress


she is confidence in shadows.

Musings on Life & Experience

Poetry, Fiction, & Non-Fiction Writings

Outside The Lines

Fun readings about Color, Art and Segmation!


a Photo Blog, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to dear dirty New York

%d bloggers like this: