copyright Raina Ng
Looking for a Deal-Breaker
“Here’s the kitchen, where Mrs. Hernandez hacked up her husband,” I said.
The oohs and ahhs sounded disturbingly enthusiastic. The family crowded around the spot. I needed to change tactics.
“The toaster is possessed. If it catches you—”
“You’re toast?” the mother said. They all laughed. The father snapped a picture.
I started to panic. If they passed on this house, the boss said I could buy it.
“It’s part of a homeowner association!” I blurted out.
I expected horror but they just smiled creepily. “It’s okay, we like HOAs,” the father said.
I let them have the house.
My apologies to anyone who likes their homeowners association. Here are some reasons why I’ll never be part of one though.
The Green-Walled Tower 
June 13th, 2015 at 10:54 am
A homeowner’s association?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOO!
June 13th, 2015 at 11:00 am
Exactly. 🙂 That’d be a deal-breaker for me.
June 13th, 2015 at 11:26 am
Scary…HOA ….
June 13th, 2015 at 12:49 pm
If the HOA didn’t stop them, nothing will. He would have to hack them into tiny pieces to get the house. 🙂 This is my kind of story. Great one!
June 13th, 2015 at 4:04 pm
Thanks, Amy. 🙂 Do you have any experiences with a HOA? I haven’t personally but I worked tech support for an area with lots, so I’ve heard some bad stories.
June 13th, 2015 at 9:44 pm
I haven’t had any personal experiences, but I know people who have. Things like they can’t park on the street and they can only have so many guests over, parking wise. And that you could only have certain colors. I had a friend who painted her door red without permission! Everyone called her in. That would freak me out.
June 13th, 2015 at 4:45 pm
Too funny! What could be worse than an HOA?
June 13th, 2015 at 10:18 pm
We have a covenant like HOA with our mountain property northwest of Fort Collins. We have to pay yearly covenant fees that cover road and rec costs, snow removal, etc. So, we are not particularly fond of HOAs either. At least we don’t have one with our home in Loveland.
June 15th, 2015 at 7:17 pm
I’ve never lived in one, but I did tech support for Phoenix, AZ, so I’ve heard a lot of stories about how restrictive they can be.
June 15th, 2015 at 9:30 pm
Yes. Some here in Loveland won’t even allow home owners to put up the little clips along the roof of their home to use for Christmas lights, so sometimes it gets ridiculous the way they find things to pick about. 😦
June 18th, 2015 at 10:54 pm
You kind of wonder why they even care about stuff like that, unless the power has just gone to their heads.
June 13th, 2015 at 11:09 pm
Very funny story..I like the toaster line! 😊 Yes, the HOA’s do have rules to follow, but you learn them before you buy a house …if you don’t agree with them, don’t buy a house there. Some people disregard that and buy a house in that area anyway…then refuse to abide by the association rules and the lawyers get involved..which cost money from the association dues that are collected each year from the homeowners. The whole reason for the rules is to keep the neighborhood houses value up. If people decide to park a vehicle or an RV in their yard, don’t keep their grass cut, paint their house an outrageous color, etc. It defeats the whole purpose of having a HOA for their neighborhood. Try selling your house with these type of rules broken….it drops the value of your house!
June 15th, 2015 at 7:16 pm
Jessie,
thank you for standing up for the other side of the issue. 🙂 HOAs have a place, I’m sure and they are a way to ensure the house you bought for a million dollars isn’t surrounded by junkyards and open cesspools. Hopefully everyone who buys a house in one understands what they’re getting into. Of course, I’m also only going by the horror stories I’ve heard, not the times when they work out perfectly. : )
June 14th, 2015 at 6:18 am
That HOA… If that will not turn them off, nothing, not even a potential haunting can.
June 15th, 2015 at 7:13 pm
🙂 Exactly.
June 14th, 2015 at 6:41 am
Dear David,
HOA’s are Satan’s playground. 😉 I have to wonder what these prospective homeowners have in mind, though.
Nicely written as always.
Shalom,
Rochelle
June 15th, 2015 at 7:12 pm
Rochelle, I’m not sure what they’re thinking but I see them as the incorrigible type that are not scared off by anything, almost inhuman in cheerfulness.
June 14th, 2015 at 2:48 pm
Have not heard about HOA before… but I think I can understand that are those that you might have issues with .. I love that first lines about a murder being committed…
June 15th, 2015 at 7:08 pm
I’ve never lived under one, Bjorn, but they take a lot of the freedoms of being a homeowner in the name of conformity and ensuring property values. It sounds quite oppressive to me.
June 14th, 2015 at 3:29 pm
Dear David – well done! The Home Owners Association can make you miserable to say the least! Great story! Nan
June 15th, 2015 at 7:07 pm
Thanks, Nan. 🙂
June 14th, 2015 at 5:17 pm
Yeah, if people aren’t creeped out by a HOA, there’s probably nothing that will scare them. Fun story! I enjoyed it. 🙂
June 15th, 2015 at 7:07 pm
It’s the modern horror story. 🙂
June 15th, 2015 at 7:40 pm
I had to look HOA up – that sounds like a real horror! A subtle and funny tale 🙂
June 18th, 2015 at 10:55 pm
Thanks, KT. I’ve only had tangential experience with them, but it was enough to make me not want to live under one.
June 16th, 2015 at 2:01 am
Fun write up.
June 18th, 2015 at 10:51 pm
Thanks!
June 16th, 2015 at 7:53 am
The Property Owners Assoc. in Bella Vista, AR (just up the road) appears to be a corrupt lot. Every week there’s an article in the paper where one of the board members is being charged with a crime or being sued for something. The thought of living under their Nazi regime is terrifying.
Excellent tale, David. You hit this one out of the park.
June 18th, 2015 at 10:51 pm
Thanks so much, Russell.
June 16th, 2015 at 5:22 pm
That family sounds kind of creepy, David.
I think he was wise to let them have the house. I wouldn’t want to upset them. 🙂 — Suzanne
June 18th, 2015 at 10:49 pm
Yeah, they are in the way-too-enthusiastic group, I think. Best to let them just have it. 🙂
June 17th, 2015 at 1:36 am
gross!
June 18th, 2015 at 10:48 pm
🙂 hehe
June 27th, 2015 at 5:03 pm
Great story, David! I’m taking advantage of a more-or-less quiet Saturday to catch up on things I’ve missed in the past month, and I’m thrilled that I caught this one. Sorry it took me so long to get here. Hope this story is more fiction than fact. It sounds like what would happen in a realtor showed a house to the Addams family. Nice work.
All my best,
MG
June 28th, 2015 at 10:39 pm
It does sound sort of like an Adams Family sort of thing. Thanks for reading. As I said in my last comment, I’ve been crazy busy/tired and haven’t really done much lately.
June 29th, 2015 at 12:22 am
Summertime can have that effect–at least that’s my excuse lately. When the weather warms up and the sun is shining, it’s much more fun to frequent parks and swimming pools than sit at home in front of the computer. I hope you at least find time for a little seasonal gallivanting.