Piety by Proximity
My dad believed in piety by proximity. His nightstand was a stack of Bibles. My desk lamp was holy, he told me.
“It’ll keep you safe from demons,” he said.
“What’s a demon?”
“It’s like a cross between a deer and a lemon, I think.”
One day, I went on a field trip to the cathedral and saw a row of lamps like mine, one missing.
“Did you steal my lamp?” I asked him later.
“They have five more,” he protested.
“What about the eighth commandment?”
“I didn’t covet it; I just took it.”
I suggested he read his nightstand.
June 18th, 2015 at 10:52 pm
Lemon-Deer demons are an awesome idea.
I laughed at this, clever.
June 18th, 2015 at 10:56 pm
It makes sense, in a warped sort of way.
June 18th, 2015 at 11:19 pm
Deermons? Yeah, not working as well. XD They’d be too easy to spot. And smell like kitchen cleaner.
June 29th, 2015 at 8:35 pm
And when you hit them on the highway, they strip the paint off with citric acid too. 🙂
June 19th, 2015 at 12:04 am
I really should be sleeping, but it’s much more interesting to be catching up with my favorite bloggers.
Great story, David. Piety by Proximity–I pretty sure I’ve met a few folks whose creed could be summed up with that phrase. My favorite fellow, who came to mind as I read, is a self-proclaimed atheist who came into possession of a few items formerly owned by members of the Boston mob. He casually mentioned that he took the items and dunked them in the holy water font at a cathedral “just in case.”
All my best,
MG
June 29th, 2015 at 8:34 pm
Gotta love the “just in case” mentality. 🙂 I remember getting those chain letters from people who should know better in the 90s saying that Bill Gates was going to give us all a million dollars. They always said, “probably not, but hey, you never know.” I guess it’s like signing up for a free insurance policy.
June 19th, 2015 at 12:48 am
I think you’ve summed up most church-goers: obey the commandments you want. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ass but his oil reserves are OK. Thou shalt not kill except if the Pentagon says so. Thou shalt not commit adultery whilst the media are looking.
Good piece.
June 29th, 2015 at 8:32 pm
I don’t know about most church-goers, although I don’t know them all either. It is convenient to only concentrate on the ones that are easy to keep though.
June 19th, 2015 at 1:36 am
just loved it!
June 19th, 2015 at 3:08 am
Loved the surreal wit here
June 19th, 2015 at 9:23 am
Deer-lemon demons…haha. 🙂
June 28th, 2015 at 11:01 pm
🙂
June 19th, 2015 at 9:29 am
Ah! This one gave me a laugh and a smile. The father is truly amusing with his idea of piety by proximity. This is a very enjoyable read. 🙂
June 28th, 2015 at 11:01 pm
Thanks. I like this one too.
June 19th, 2015 at 1:19 pm
Enjoyed it.
June 28th, 2015 at 10:57 pm
Thanks, Jessie. 🙂
June 19th, 2015 at 4:52 pm
Ah, a classic example of do as I say, not as I do…or maybe don’t even do as I say! Great story!
June 28th, 2015 at 10:56 pm
Thanks. : )
June 19th, 2015 at 4:54 pm
I’ve heard of the “Lite” version of the Ten Commandments. You get to pick which seven you want to keep and sweep the other three under the rug–or toupee, whichever the case may be.
June 28th, 2015 at 10:54 pm
That sounds like a very convenient sort of system. Does it work for laws too?
June 19th, 2015 at 7:50 pm
A cross between a deer and a lemon – that made me laugh! Religion on a case by case basis. In other words, how you see fit. Nice one, David.
June 28th, 2015 at 10:51 pm
Glad you liked it Amy. The dad really is making it up as he goes, I think. 🙂
June 19th, 2015 at 8:19 pm
Dear David,
Dad had some interesting theology, didn’t he? I want to go to his church. 😉 Fun stuff.
Shalom,
Rochelle
June 20th, 2015 at 5:32 am
I’m pretty sure he doesn’t go to church, Rochelle, although he might start his own. 🙂
Have a good weekend. I’m off for Chicago on a field trip for 2 days but I’ll catch up when I’m back.
-David
June 20th, 2015 at 5:33 am
Enjoy. Chicago is an interesting place.
June 28th, 2015 at 10:40 pm
It was a fun time, although pretty tiring since I was on the go most of the weekend.
June 20th, 2015 at 3:35 pm
Love the thought of the son educating the dad.
June 28th, 2015 at 10:40 pm
Yeah, that son is mature for his age, I think.
June 21st, 2015 at 1:00 am
There’s theology for you. I must say, I had to consider a nightstand stacked with bibles. Searching for a different truth perhaps… Well done.
June 21st, 2015 at 2:15 am
Ha! Ha! What about the stained glass windows at home? Nice one.
June 25th, 2015 at 10:54 pm
Thanks. 🙂
June 21st, 2015 at 11:07 am
I think he knows exactly how to get into heaven.
Just barely.
June 25th, 2015 at 10:51 pm
Possibly.
June 24th, 2015 at 4:21 am
you VANISHED again!!!!!
June 25th, 2015 at 10:46 pm
Yep. 😦 I have no time and energy even to write much these days. This is one busy month.
June 27th, 2015 at 4:01 am
grrr
June 28th, 2015 at 2:32 am
do show up real soon!