This is from my work blog, for my university English program.
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Paid to Blog
As you may know, I teach English for a living. Actually, I work in the Intensive English Program at Upper Iowa University, which helps university students from other countries raise their English proficiency before they enter undergraduate classes.
Go Peacocks!
It’s a great job for many reasons, including that I get paid to blog.
Not paid additionally, unfortunately, but one part of my busy day is running the blog for our program. It used to be over at Tumblr, but honestly I’m not a fan of Tumblr, so I just recently brought it here to WordPress. The new address is intensiveenglishuiu.com
I have a lot of ideas for this blog. As you might see, the main one before was putting up pictures of our field trips. I’ll still be doing that, but also I will be writing short grammar explanations, vocabulary posts, video of campus, etc.
Are there any aspects of English grammar that you want me to explain or address? If so, mention it in the comments or email me at intensiveenglishprogram@uiu.edu and I will write a post about it.
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Fiction T’s are here!
**Reblog or share this post for a chance to win a Fiction T shirt of your choosing! Details below**
These days, everyone on the Internet wants to gain a following. Now with Fiction T’s, that is easier than ever as people follow behind you trying to read the story on the back of your t-shirt.
Fiction T’s takes the best and quirkiest of the Green-Walled Tower’s short fiction and puts it on a t-shirt, available through Spreadshirt. 8 designs are currently offered, each in both black and white text so that dark and light colored shirts are available.
Some examples of the stories:
Classic Arguments: Literary classics argue after the library closes. There is a definite winner. A great shirt for avid readers out there.
The Physics of Angels: A mother with a migraine tries to explain how an airplane stays up…creatively. Perfect for parents with young kids.
Three Men Walk into a Bar: It might be a joke, but it’s not what you think. A great one for bloggers.
She Did, He Did: A quirky look at the relationships between men and women. This guy just can’t win.
Emoticons with a Story: The back stories of some of your lesser known emoticons. Comes in two versions.
The Last Few Seconds: A humorous look at the last few seconds before retirement. The perfect gift for anyone in retirement or about to retire.
What a Metaphor is: A soaring, twisting journey through a maze of metaphorical language.
Limited Time Promotion!
Reblog this post and I will enter you in a drawing for one of two Fiction T shirts I am giving away. That goes for shares and tweets on Facebook and Twitter as well (use the hashtag #fictionts). Share it on all three platforms and I’ll enter you 3 times (but that’s the max).
Contest ends on Wednesday, May 27, 2015. Share the good news and order a shirt for yourself, while you’re at it.
A Giant Hiding in a Kindergarten
I went to Toronto a few weeks ago for a TESOL convention. The convention center was right next to the CN Tower, which for those who don’t know, is the tallest free-standing structure in the western hemisphere. It stands out, is what I’m trying to say. Plus, Toronto doesn’t have a lot of super-huge skyscrapers. See if you can spot the CN Tower in this picture:
Hint: it’s the one that’s over half a kilometer tall
If you couldn’t find it, you must be listening to the audio version of this blog (available now!)
I find it a wonderful irony that large objects are unmistakeable from far away but can be easily hidden close up. Here’s a picture I took from near my hotel:
Fifty feet in either direction and the tallest building in the western hemisphere is hidden by someone’s house (well, a lot of someones’ houses) but the point is, it isn’t the tower that changes at all, or even the surrounding landscape: it’s the viewing position. For someone like me who thinks in metaphors, this is a very satisfying truth.
I am an English teacher, but I have actually preached in church four times. I was a deacon in my church in Korea and when the pastor is gone, someone has to do it. My style is much more logical progression of ideas and much less fire and brimstone. I must have a sulfur deficiency.
The very first time I preached, it was on this idea of perspective. The question I posed was: “What can come between you and God?” The answer: absolutely anything, because it all depends on our viewing position, not on Him. After all, the sun is the largest object in the solar system but I can block it out with my thumb if I hold it right in front of my eye.
I’d expound more on this, but this is ostensibly a fiction blog and you probably came here for stories, not theology (I could be wrong, of course). That is why I’m starting a new blog for all the rational, brimstone-less essays on religion, faith and philosophy that are rattling around in my head.
Don’t worry, the Green-Walled Tower isn’t going anywhere. This is a year of big things for this little blog and 2015 is draped in ivy, as far as I’m concerned. Still, I do have a lot of good ideas that don’t fit well into this blog format, so that’s why the Tower is getting a baby brother.
I’m still not sure what to call it: the Green-Walled Church? The Green-Walled Monastery? We’ll see. Stayed tuned.
It this place is anything like the Tower, it must be one quirky church.
Green-Walled Tower News: March Edition
I’m restructuring things a little here at the Green-Walled Tower. Not much, but a little. I’m cleaning out the attic and moving things around so they fit better. For one thing, I’m going to go back to concentrating on original fiction. I have tried various other projects here to mix things up but they never did as well as my fiction and I didn’t enjoy them quite as much. Also, I will be concentrating mostly on light, humorous stories. I do anyway, of course, and I will still be writing a variety of stories, including dark ones on occasion.
However, for those who don’t want to read scary, dark, or horror stories, I will put up a rating at the beginning to let you know, using my little mascot Belfry.
I won’t put up ratings for others just yet, except one, which is satire. I realize that I can write a pretty convincing satire at times, so if you read something of mine that seems a little too weird to be true (I will always say at the beginning of the post if it’s true, as well), check the end for the rating. It will always be at the end: I don’t want to spoil the show.
As well, I will be coming out with a way to buy some pretty cool Green-Walled Tower merchandise. The official announcement will probably be next week, with a contest to win some neat stuff. Stay tuned.
In An Alcoholic Home
I found this a very powerful and honest piece. I’d encourage you to read it, especially if you’ve lived near alcoholism.
Both my parents were drinkers, and not of the modest variety.
My father died of cirrhosis of the liver at forty, while my mother, with ice tinkling in her glass, terrorized everyone and everything in her path. Even the goldfish were afraid of her.
As a kid growing up with serious drinkers, you never knew what to expect leaving its mark on you as an adult.
Why are you so edgy Susannah….always waiting for the other shoe to drop? A question I’ve been asked my whole life.
Well I’ll tell you, and it took 10 years in a 12 Step program to educate me on why I’m the way I am.
Imagine being raised by wolves, but just not as well.
I’d come home from school every day not sure what I’d find.
Would my mother be blissfully in the kitchen baking, or in my room breaking my 45s over…
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5 Ways to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day like a Hipster
Because of the huge number of people who are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day today, if you are among them, then statistically you are probably not Irish. There is even a big celebration in Tokyo, which is not normally known for its brogue.
There are several reasons you might celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. In descending order of likelihood:
- You like to hang out and have fun
- It’s a socially-accepted excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday
- You really like green beer
- You’re an Irish Catholic
But come on. St. Patrick’s Day is so mainstream. If you want to be really cool, I have a better celebration for you: the feast of St. Gertrude of Nivelles, which is also on March 17. Here are five ways to celebrate March 17 that no one else is doing.
5. Open Your House to Couch Surfers
Gertrude of Nivelles is the patron saint of travelers, so it’s a good idea to take in some travelers today. However, make sure you mention to people that you’re only doing it because of the holiday. If they ask if you’re having a party for St. Patrick’s Day, look rather shocked and say you’re celebrating St. Gertrude of Nivelles Day. Then expound about how Gertrude of Nivelles welcomed people of all types, especially Irish monks. Make sure you mention this too when you invite green-clad drunken revelers into your house late at night and explain why you have no beer for them.
4. Plant Something
Gertrude of Nivelles is the patron saint of gardeners, so carry around a house plant all day, the more obscure the better. Remember, if anyone asks about it, that’s your perfect time to explain you’re not doing it because it’s green, but because of Gertrude of Nivelles.
3. Dress up Like a Cat
This is bound to confuse people, especially if it’s not a green cat. They will probably think you started drinking early and mixed up Halloween with St. Patrick’s Day. You can then explain that, in fact, Gertrude of Nivelles loved her some cats and is often portrayed with them. If this doesn’t impress anyone, put up random cat memes based on her. Make reddit fall in love with this 1400-year-old nun.
2. Stand on a Chair and Start Screaming
Gertrude of Nivelles is the patron saint of “Those with a Morbid Fear of Mice and Rats” so doing this will definitely give you a chance to explain to people how you are celebrating the holiday in your own way and explain why this is way better than pinning a shamrock to your coat.
1. Get a Tonsure
This is the best and most hipster way to show you are a celebrating an obscure holiday that other people just don’t get. A tonsure, by the way, is when you shave all the hair on top of your head but leave a crown of hair around the edges, like this:
This is especially effective if you are a girl, because when people inevitably wonder if you have gone crazy, you can explain that Gertrude of Nivelle’s mother gave her a tonsure cut in order to keep “violent abductors from tearing her daughter away by force,” i.e. marry her.
So, the choice is clear, either go out to a party, wear green, drink beer, and do that horrible attempt at an Irish accent that you do and be one of the crowd, or stay at home, welcoming in traveling, loving cats and plants, hating mice, and knowing smugly that you are celebrating the festival that just isn’t “cool.”
Go Gerty!
Note: All information is this post is totally true and accurate.
If the Bible Used Clickbait
“Clickbait”, for those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, is web content that relies on sensational headlines to get people to click on it and share it. But what if the Bible used clickbait? I think it would look something like this.
Can’t Remember Ten? These Two Powerful Commandments Are All You Need!
If You Think You’re Having a Bad Day, Check Out This Woman’s Story
Whale or Fish? Either Way, This Prophet’s Story Will Blow Your Mind
8 Simple Ways to Tell If You Are Blessed!
What Kind of Fruit Does God Like? The Answer May Surprise You
Are You Living Like a Nazirite? Take Our Simple Quiz!
Undeniable Proof That Prophets of Baal Were Insane!
Before Leonidas, These 300 Kicked Some Serious Derriere
This is Like No Food Courier You’ve Ever Seen 
This Man Delivers an Epic Smackdown, Bible-Style!
You Will Not Believe What This Man Did For You. Click Here to Find Out!
There Needs to be an Oscars Ceremony for Books
Before I start, yes, I know there are already slews of awards for books. There is even the National Book Awards, which has all kinds of categories and a ceremony every year. Yes, that’s all true, but I don’t care.
For one thing, the National Book Awards (NBA) are even more obscure than the Oscars. I consider myself an avid reader but when I went through the list of ALL the NBA winners from 1950 to the present, I had barely heard of any of them and I had only read two (Rise and Fall of the Third Reich: 1961-Nonfiction, and Holes: 1998-Young People’s Literature). Both of these were good books, but I don’t think anyone would contend that book awards are as glitzy as TV or movie awards.
But they should be.
Some things are going to need to change. Here is my idea. I think together we can make them happen.
1. Design a Whole New Awards Show
This is all about branding. We need a new show with a distinctive name for the awards. Taking after the Golden Globes, you could call it the Golden Pen (even though Golden Keyboard might be more accurate these days). Personally, I prefer the Bookies. It has shock value and common sense wrapped up into one. But, of course, that exists already as well. Maybe the Inkies? Any better ideas?
They need to be televised too. I don’t care if they won’t have the market of the other awards shows, it’s just got to happen. And I don’t mean on PBS either. To get this done, we need to make a grand, garish spectacle of it. Grotesque even. I want to see Stephen King juggling chainsaws on stage and Neil Gaiman doing an interpretive dance to Ke$ha. Who wouldn’t want to see that, right?
2. Make Interesting Categories
The National Book Awards have all the categories you’d expect: fiction, nonfiction, poetry, various genres, etc. That’s all fine, but if the Oscars have Best Makeup and Best Film Editing, what can books have? Here are some suggestions:
- Best Protagonist
- Best Villain
- Best Supporting Character
- Best Illustrations
- Best Cover Art
- Best Passage of Description
- Best Passage of Dialogue
- Best Twist Ending
The problem with that last one is that they couldn’t reveal the twist ending without everyone who hadn’t read it yet being really annoyed, but maybe it’s their own fault if they’re watching/attending the awards and haven’t read all the nominations yet.
3. Bring Authors into Pop Culture
I’ll bet the number of authors you could pick out of a lineup are so small you could count them on your fingers. At least the living ones. That’s the problem with authors; they hide behind their words. Okay, so it’s not really a problem but it is if we want a huge, red-carpet awards ceremony where everyone discusses what Amy Tan was wearing the next day. We need tabloids that only follow author scandals and paparazzi who follow around China Mieville or John Grisham to find out what they’re up to. The writers have to play their part too, of course, and not just go to the grocery store and hang out at the bookstore for three hours. It would at least make me watch TMZ.
What do you think? Any nominations for me?
And the award goes to…
Welcome to the Tower
Giselle: A Short Story
Blogs I Like to Read
The Green-Walled Tower 
