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Same Difference – Friday Fictioneers

copyright B.W. Beacham

copyright B.W. Beacham

Same Difference

“The secret to the mud is the nutrients,” Grandpa said. “Nutrients!”

“Mm, Nutrasweet, got it,” Jay said, concentrating on his game.

“Pay attention!” Grandpa snapped. “Whitmore Mud Masks is yours when I die. Now, there is only one place where you can get the perfect mud. It’s in Tibet.”

After Grandpa’s funeral, Jay tried to remember what his grandfather had said. All he could remember was Fruit Ninja. He went out to the bay and dug up some mud there. Same difference.

After several complaints of green skin and weeds sprouting from people’s faces, Jay started studying maps of Tibet.

 

 


Losing Weight Like a Champ

My doctor told me I had to lose weight, so I decided to get serious about it. I brought my weight out into the wilderness. Just drove until I didn’t see any signs of civilization. Then I dropped it off, told it to get lost, and drove away in a hurry. I turned up the radio so I wouldn’t hear it bawling at me, yelling about all the delicious bacon double cheeseburgers we’d shared or those ice cream sundaes as big as my head.

fat

I went into work the next day and felt pretty good about myself, especially with everyone complimenting me on how good I looked. Then at lunchtime, my friend commented on what I was eating.

“You look good, but now comes the hard part,” he said.

“The hard part? What do you mean? I’ve already lost the weight.”

“It comes back,” he said.

“It does? How can it? I drove it really far away.”

“Dude, are you kidding me? The weight you lost was all fat. That has more calories than anything else. And with the amount you lost, it can go for months and months. It’s coming back, I guarantee it.”

“Why couldn’t I have lost some other sort of weight,” I lamented, looking up beseechingly at the ventilation system. “What about bone mass? No calories there.”

He shook his head. “Not a good idea.”

“Brains?”

“Uh, no. Best not to lose too much of that.”

“Why couldn’t I have just lost water weight?” I asked, to no one in particular.

“That comes back even faster,” he said. “It’s liquid. It flows. Duh.”

He was right and I kept a sharp eye out for my returning weight. The next day my doorbell rang. There was a box of doughnuts on my front step.

“Sweet!” I yelled. Everybody likes free doughnuts. I was about to pick it up when I hesitated. “Wait a minute. No one’s ever sent me free doughnuts before. Is that you, weight?”

A second’s pause, then a sheepish voice from inside the box said, “Yeah.”

“Get out of here. I don’t want to see you anymore.” Out of morbid curiosity, I flipped up the lid of the box. “Ugh, you look terrible.”

“Do you know what I had to go through to get back here?” it said. “Come on, let me back in. I can’t live without you.”

“I can live without you,” I said.

“Remember all the good times we had together? All that yummy food and refreshing lack of exercise?”

“You were just a byproduct!” I shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the box. “You made me feel bad about myself. People made fun of you, do you know that? Little children called me a whale, because of you!”

“Whales are beautiful, majestic animals,” the weight said, although it sounded less sure of itself now. “Anyway, what are you going to do, eat salad your whole life? Without blue cheese dressing? Are you going to eat tofu? Have you ever tried it?”

“I had it once,” I said. “Maybe I can wrap some bacon around it to give it some flavor.”

“Yeah, you do that,” it said, and snickered.

Finally, I brought it inside, since I didn’t want the neighbors to see. I tied the doughnut box shut so it couldn’t get out, but I knew that wouldn’t keep it long.

gym

I had heard that the gym was a good place to lose weight, so I brought it there the next day. I could see why people said that: it was like a maze with all those weird machines littered about. I got lost several times. I tried to put down the weight and run away but everyone else was trying to lose weight too and since I wasn’t exercising, other people’s orphan weight kept trying to get me to adopt it. I got out of there fast.

I finally shipped my weight to a sumo wrestler school in Japan, where I hope they’ll want it. Call it my good deed for the day. I might even claim it as a charitable deduction on my taxes.


Unique POV Corner: Interview with a Haunted House

For this piece, I want to give a shout out to Eric Alagan, since he always says I have unique point of views in my stories.

house

Interviewer (David Stewart): Thanks for talking with me. For the record, your real name is 666 Ghoul Dr, is that right?

 

Haunted House: Actually, there was some redistricting last year. Now I’m 8712 Ghoul Parkway.

 

DS: Fair enough. The reason I wanted to talk to you is that you have been accused, frankly, of being evil. How do you respond to that?

 

HH: It’s just terrible, David. For one thing, “haunted” has such a stigma to it. People say I have ghosts and for some reason, that’s cause to shun me. How about getting me some help, right?

 

DS: Do you have ghosts?

 

HH: Well . . . yes, I suppose.

 

DS: Why did you hesitate? And why is your wallpaper turning red now? Is this some sort of REDROOM thing?

 

HH: No, I’m blushing, and thank you very much for calling attention to it. Actually, ghosts are just how I . . . pass gas. Ethereal gas. It’s a problem older houses have from time to time. We don’t like to make a big deal of it.

 

DS: What about the rumors that your walls bleed sometimes?

 

HH: Oh, now I’m in trouble for having blood in me? You have blood in you and no one calls you haunted. Look, it’s just for fun, okay? Like a party trick. I just do it to cheer the owners up if they look like they’re having a bad day. It puts the life back into them. They start running around, screaming, calling people. It’s good stuff.

 

DS: And the portal to an unknown dimension that’s in your basement?

 

HH: Oh that. A previous owner had that installed to shorten his commute. He had a weird job. Frankly, considering how rare it is, I’d think it’d be a selling point. Kind of like a hot tub with fifth-dimensional bubbles.

 

DS: I see. So basically, you consider yourself a fairly ordinary house, just misunderstood.

 

HH: Well, I’m definitely not ordinary. I like to think I’m just waiting for that special owner. So for anyone looking, I’m on the market. And my price has been slashed repeatedly!

 

(I couldn’t resist the quote from my favorite TV show)


Waxy Wolly – Friday Fictioneers

Well, I’m back from the hospital and back into my routine. My apologies for not being able to read many stories last week, but I’ll make up for it this week, I promise. Also, although my Monday post, Drowning Day, was supposed to be humor, it was rather dark, so I’m sorry (to those who prefer my lighter stories) for another dark story today. I have a funny one coming up on Friday this week.

Also, since this is a horror story, I will dedicate it to my friend, K.Z. Morano, whose book 100 Nightmares just came out.

copyright Renee Heath

copyright Renee Heath

Waxy Wolly

Do you know Waxy Wolly, that goblin with the soft, melty face, drooping eyes flickering like malevolent candles? May he never come to your house.

Many a mother has looked into a cradle to see her baby staring up, a living effigy of that happy, laughing soul of only an hour before. And then when she washes it in hot water or puts it near the fire . . .

No one believes me. They all think I killed them. But there are no bodies to convict me. Just a waxy stain in front of the hearth, like someone spilled a large candle.

 


Drowning Day

tub

I have to do it today. I’m just too sad to continue.

First I draw the bath, lukewarm. The next step is harder, rounding them all up and herding them up the stairs. They move slowly, listlessly. A few are crying. I look at these misshapen homunculi and although in the past I would almost feel a touch of pride when talking about them, now I feel nothing but disgust.

They’re clustered on the bathroom floor, not trying to escape, just standing there. A few are staring off into space. One is banging its head slowly against the wall. Another is trying to buy something with an expired credit card on a non-existent phone. Sad, really.

I take a deep breath, grab the closest one and with a quick movement, heave it into the tub. It’s not actually as heavy as I thought. I hold it under the water, watching the bubbles rise up, watching the last jerks of life escape that wretched body. When it’s done, I feel better and I grab another one. After ten minutes, there’s a pile of sodden carcasses on the floor by the laundry hamper and I feel fantastic.

Only a few remain when the phone rings. It’s my friend, Jeanie. “Hey girl, what are you doing?” she asks.

I wipe my hands on my pants. “Just drowning my sorrows.”

“Oh sweet. I have a pack of those myself. I’ll be right over.”


How Much for the Tractor?

How Much for the Tractor?

“How much for the tractor?” Robby asked.

Jed made a show of calculating. “Let’s say six grand.”

“I’ll give you four.”

“5500 then.”

“I’ll give you five grand if you also throw in your old picnic table. You don’t use it anymore anyway.”

“Fine, I’ll give you the tractor and the picnic table for five grand and your push mower.”

“What? That push mower is still pretty good. But okay . . . if I can kiss your sister—”

“What!”

“Hug! Hug your sister.”

“That’s not up to me . . .”

“Just don’t beat me up if I do.”

“Fine. But in that case . . .”

<20 minutes later>

“Okay,” Robby said. “So I get the tractor, the picnic table, a hug from your sister, three steaks cooked medium rare, a hundred shares of stock in your son’s future company, and an invitation to your Christmas party and I’ll give you five grand, the push mower, a load of gravel, a set of wind-chimes made out of coral, and you can be best man at my wedding. Sound fair?”

“Sure. Can you pay in cash?”

“I don’t have that much right now, but here’s what I can offer you . . .”

 


The song of the old country

I’m lying in a hospital bed after having had knee surgery, writing this on my phone. That’s right: nothing stops me from doing Friday Fictioneers!

image

The Song of the Old Country

“At first it was a scuffle, and then a big kerfuffle. How we all did grieve when we had to leave.”

Grandpa’s songs always started like that. Then he would sing about the paradise of the old country before the war.

Grandpa’s light-hearted songs could not prepare me for the reality. Even as an adult and wearing a radiation suit, my eyes filled with tears as I looked out over the blighted wasteland.

I turned to go when a flash of green caught my eye. A clump of clover had burst from the poisonous ground. Grandpa’s old country was returning.


The Butcher of Ipswich

After a long, long time, Aftermath is back! For those who don’t know what it is, Aftermath is a post-apocalyptic world set in England. The original stories were centered around a character name Edward “the Squid” Morrison, who was a pretty bad guy but who was on a quest to find music and other artifacts from the former world. On his journey he found an unconscious boy whom he named Sean. Even when the boy awoke, he didn’t speak, although in the last story that I wrote, he found out that the boy’s name was Damian. This is Damian’s backstory.

Aftermath

The city of Ipswich was dark and it stank. The whole world stank now, but the city had a concentrated stench of years of piled and rotting waste. During the summer days, the unforgiving sun baked the waste to a hard crust that only the fat, evil flies could find any nourishment from, but still it reeked. Damian was used to it all by now. He had been born into that den of villains and pirates and raised on its merciless streets. He knew where to hide during the day and where to find food each night, away from the slavers and pimps and meatmen.

He was sitting in his nest of rags and scraps between the two steam pipes. Nikolai had not returned yet. Nikolai was his—friend? What that the right word? They didn’t talk or hunt for food together, but they didn’t fight either. They spend the long days together, sleeping with their backs pressed together, but then, when the blistering orb of fire sunk below the horizon, they went their separates ways and hunted their own food. Maybe that meant they were friends.

The night had been productive. He had grabbed a handful of b-meat off a truck and ducked down into a drain before the driver could chase him. All meat was separated into three categories. A-meat, the kind that came from cows and pigs and other legendary animals, was unheard of these days. If there were still such animals left in the world, they could not live in the blighted wasteland around Ipswich. B-meat was mostly seafood, with some bird thrown in when someone got lucky. C-meat was the rest: rats, snakes, irradiated mutants from the darkness beyond the city, and worse. It was sold ground up and mixed together so the customer never knew what, or who, it came from. There was high demand for all types of meat, but Damian never touched c-meat. Beggars couldn’t be choosers, but thieves who were good at their trade could be as selective as they wished.

Damian heard running footsteps approaching. He peered into the darkness, trying to pick out if it was Nikolai. Suddenly, Nikolai’s running form was backlit by a powerful spotlight. He was almost to the entrance to the steampipes when something like a metallic whip wrapped around him and dragged him away, screaming. Damian pulled himself back into the shadows behind the pipes. There were many groups that routinely hunted down street children, and the difference between them was only like the varying levels of Hell.

The spotlight was gone now, Nikolai’s screams were muffled and then suddenly cut off. He was dead, probably, beyond Damian’s help or anyone else’s but still, Damian found himself creeping out of his hole and tiptoeing to the head of the alley. It was still hours until dawn but from the dim lights of neighboring buildings, Damian could see a handcart being pulled away by two men. He followed silently. There was nowhere good they could be going but still, his heart sank when they turned into the reeking, fetid alley behind the meat market.

Just go back, his mind screamed at him. Nikolai was dead anyway, or soon would be. But he was a friend, or the closest Damian had ever had to one.
The cart stopped outside a shop and he saw the men carry Nikolai through the door and then leave. A pair of men wearing blood-stained aprons and swinging cleavers walked past and Damian shrank down into the shadows. When they had passed, he went to the door. It was bolted with a latch on the inside, but he slipped his homemade knife through the crack in the door and a moment later it opened.

There was Nikolai, lying motionless on a table. There was no one else around, but he could hear voices coming from an adjacent room. He stepped inside. Nikolai was still breathing but blood was coming from a gash on the side of his head. The blood was warm and sticky and seeped through Damian’s fingers as he pressed his hand to his friend’s head. Nikolai moaned a little and his eyes flickered open. “Come on, we gotta scurry,” Damian whispered. “Can you stand?” He put his hands behind Nikolai’s back and helped him sit up.

“Put him back, boy.” Damian looked up to see a tall man wearing a butcher’s apron standing in the inner door. “Put him back and I’ll let you go, but I already paid for him.”

“He’s my friend,” Damian said. There was no way out. Nikolai’s eyes had closed again as he sat. “I’ll get you someone else.”

The butcher sighed. “It’s not worth it to me, plus I don’t believe you.”

“I’ll find you a hundred more. Please, please.”

“I’ll give you five seconds to get out of here before I take you too.” The butcher picked up a cleaver to punctuate his words.

Damian could feel the rage and the fear coursing through him, urging him to act. It was a feeling he had felt before in dangerous situations and the raw, wild feel of it had always scared him and he froze. The butcher gave a little shrug and moved towards him. The feeling building in Damian reached a fever-pitch and suddenly pain exploded in his head, so severe that he cried out. It felt like his head was going to burst. And then, just as suddenly, it ended and the world descended into silence. The butcher continued towards him in slow motion. Damian took a step towards him and hit him in the chest and the huge man flew back and crashed silently through the wall.

It was like a dream. Damian picked up Nikolai and walked outside. He started running, still carrying his unconscious friend. He weaved his way between people, all of whom seemed to be moving in molasses. Now he was just running, with no thought to where he was going. He saw the outer gate of the city, open to its normal night traffic. Two guards stepped into his path, but they went flying as he barreled effortlessly through them. Then he was outside the city, where he had never been before, running heedlessly into the cursed wasteland. Behind him, there may have been shouts or sirens or sounds of pursuit, but he did not hear them and he did not care.


The Rage Within

The Rage Within

ADX-Florence Supermax Prison, Fremont County, CNN

The guards say that no inmates ever went near Karl Zakharin’s zen garden, scratched out of a sandy corner of the exercise ground. Not unless they wanted one of their fingers to become a grisly addition, the center of a newly-pinked swirl of sand. Every day at 10:00 sharp, the crime boss would smooth out the sand and spend an hour drawing circles and whorls with a stick or arranging cigarette butts in an aesthetic fashion.

“Just letting out the rage that’s trapped inside,” he would say to anyone who asked. The guards were not so trusting and routinely dug up the sand patch, looking for contraband. They found nothing.

Three years later, the mystery was solved. A codebook, found 2000 miles away in a gang hideout, detailed the complex language through which Zakharin communicated with his vast syndicate. Authorities also found a commercially-built drone, which had flown high overheard every day, capturing the day’s messages.

Confronted by this evidence, Zakharin only smiled his customary leer of filed points. “It was therapy,” he told guards. “The rage was confined here behind these walls. I was only letting it out into the real world where it belongs.”

Zakharin is believed to have ordered the murders of 136 people while incarcerated.


The Birth of History – Friday Fictioneers

copyright Douglas M. MacIlroy

 

The Birth of History

Hector’s breath hissed through the ventilator and he surveyed the delivery room through the windows of his mask. All outside sounds were muffled, including the wail of his newborn son, lying in its mother’s arms.

“The doctor says all is well,” she said. “He can breathe normally.”

Hector nodded. “I wish I could touch him.”

“At home. The atmosphere is optimized for all three of us there.”

“Do you think he will be alright?”

His wife took his gloved hand. “He will be celebrated. The first offspring between a Terran and a Venusian is a cause for joy, not shame.”


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