Category Archives: Uncategorized

April 23, 2013

The Phonology of “Baby Teacher”

I am a teacher and in my teaching career I have probably taught thousands of students. And of those, quite a few have called me Baby Teacher.

As you may or may not know, I teach English in Korea. Normally, Korean students called their teachers seonsaeng-nim, which, like the Japanese sensei, just means “teacher”. If they need to distinguish between teachers, they add the teacher’s last name before it, as in “Kim seongsaeng-nim.”

I have my students call me David. That is the opposite of the norm here, since Koreans usually only call friends and social inferiors by their first name. I wouldn’t do that if I was teaching in North America, but over here, foreign English teachers are outside all the rules of normal engagement, so it doesn’t really matter. However, a lot of them still stick “teacher” on the end of my name to mimic the Korean style.

So how does “baby” come into it? It has to do with Korean pronunciation rules. First of all, Korean doesn’t have a “v” sound, so my name automatically becomes “Dabid”. As well, Korean doesn’t have any syllables that end with a “d”, so my name gets stretched to three syllables, as in “day-bi-deu”. This means the second syllable is now open, which in Korean means that the “i” gets changed to an “ee” sound, and we end up with “day-bee-deu”. Take off the last syllable and it’s suspiciously close to “baby”.

Of course I correct them and they usually do it just to be brats. Still, I’ve gotten used to it. I’m sure I could be walking down the road in America and if an elementary school student yelled “Hey baby!”, I’d probably just smile and wave.

This is what came up "baby teacher" in an image search. Source.

This is what came up for “baby teacher” in an image search. Source.

19 Comments | tags: baby, Korea, outside the tower, phonology, pronunciation, quirky, students, teaching | posted in Uncategorized

April 13, 2013

Story Accepted. One down, all to go.

By David Stewart

I found out yesterday that Bete Noire Magazine has accepted my short story “Bloody Neighbors” for publication in their January, 2014 issue. This is the first piece of original fiction that I’ve sold so I feel good about it.

My goal is finish editing all the stories I’ve set aside to submit and hopefully get a few more published in the next few months. After that, I’m going to start querying agents for my finished novel, as well as editing my other novels. Lately, most of my writing energy has been put towards stories for this blog, but I may have to shift the focus around a little. I will still be posting stories here regularly though, so don’t worry.

22 Comments | tags: accepted, Bete Noire, magazine, short story, submission, writing | posted in Uncategorized

April 9, 2013

26 Questions You Always/Never Wondered About

By David Stewart

One of the things I love about Google is the suggestions it gives you when you start to type in the search bar. It gives a strange and sometimes disturbing look into what your fellow humans are searching for. So, I decided to start some questions and see what Google gave me. This isn’t an original idea, but what I did was type in “Is it true that…” and then each letter of the alphabet, one by one. I picked the best/most interesting/least racist question to answer.

Apparently what we’re really curious about is people dying or being gay.

A: Is it true that all triangles are isosceles?

→ No. No, it’s not true that all triangles have two angles the same. If this confuses you, click here and become much more confused.

B: Is it true that blondes have more fun?

→ I’m a brown-haired guy who has ridiculous amounts of fun (hiking, reading, role-playing). I don’t see how it’s possible for a blond version of me to have more fun, so I’m going to say no.

C: Is it true that celery is negative calories?

→ Yes, this is true. Celery has a lot of calories, but because of all the cellulose in it, we can’t digest it well. So, if you’re planning on starting an all-celery diet, make sure you slip in a bacon double cheeseburger ever few weeks, so you don’t waste away to nothing.

D: Is it true that Disneyland release cats at night?

→ This one intrigued me. From what I can see, there are tons of cats at Disneyland to keep the rodent population down. However, I doubt they are actually released and then collected every night, since cats tend to have a mind of their own. What’s more likely is that they just come out at night when it’s cooler and everyone else has gone home. A lot of places talk about them being feral, but since they are apparently groomed and fed, I don’t know what definition of “feral” they’re using.

E: Is it true that everyone can sing?

→ I guess it depends on your definition of “sing” but from experience, I’d say no.

F: Is it true that Facebook will shut down?

→ Ha! Yeah, poor guys just got tired of it all after a while. Considering they releasing a Facebook operating system for Android phones, I don’t think they’re going anywhere anytime soon.

G: Is it true that giraffes can’t make a sound?

→ Even if you don’t count this video of a giraffe definitely making a sound, giraffes do make noises. Apparently adult giraffes rarely make noises, but babies do, as you can see in this video.

H: Is it true that Hello Kitty is the devil?

→ Wow. Didn’t see that one coming. I’m going to go with no, since that’s crazy. But here is some of the history of the character.

I: Is it true that it’s the end of the world is 2012?

→ This endearingly terribly-worded question was number six on Google’s auto-complete list. I think we can all agree that this is no.

J: Is it true that jellyfish are immortal?

→ Since all the rest on the list were about Justin Bieber, I went with this one. There is one species of jellyfish called the immortal jellyfish (Turritopsis nutricula) that can go back to its infant form. So, it is theoretically possible for that type of jellyfish to live forever, although they usually get eaten or die of disease first. They should really call this the Benjamin Button fish.

Yeah…we’re going with the jellyfish one.

K: Is it true that kissing burns calories?

→If it doesn’t burn calories, then you’re doing it wrong. On the other hand, if you are burning enough calories to make a difference, then you’re doing it really, really right.

L: Is it true that lobsters are immortal?

→ Really, another immortal animal question? Actually, apparently lobsters don’t die of old age (although Red Lobster is making sure that this doesn’t become an issue). They also don’t stop growing; the biggest lobster ever caught was 20kg. (Seriously, check out that link).

M: Is it true that Macbooks don’t get viruses?

→ No, that’s not true, although if you’re a Mac user, you’ve probably never gotten one. Incidentally, if you are a Mac user that has gotten a virus on your computer, let me know. I love anecdotes.

N: Is it true that Nicolas Cage is dead?

→ If the next Ghost Rider movie features an actual Nicholas Cage ghost, complete with flaming skull, then we’ll know for sure.

O: Is it true that opposites attract?

→ Magnetically, yes. For people…what do you think? I think this is a place where a happy medium is best. I wouldn’t want to live with my clone or my alter-ego from bizarro world.

P: Is it true that Psy is dead?

→ All the “P” suggestions were about people dying, so I chose this one. I’m pretty sure we can all agree the answer is no. Still, can you imagine the funeral? 21 horse dance salute.

Q: Is it true that Queen Elizabeth is dying?

→ I find a lot of these are about dying. I guess we have a morbid curiosity. Considering the sources that claim this, I would say it is dubious, at least not any more than any other 86-year-old woman.

R: Is it true that redheads are going extinct?

→ Yeah, not likely. And if they do, we can just clone them again, a la Jurassic park. (Ginger Park: admit it, you’d watch that movie.)

S: Is it true that smart people talk to themselves?

→ I’m going to answer this one without appealing to the Internet and here’s my train of logic. I talk to myself. I think I’m smart. Ergo, smart people talk to themselves.

T: Is it true that the camera adds ten pounds?

→ If you’re carrying a ten pound camera, then yes.

U: Is it true that unicorns were mentioned in the Bible?

→ First of all, I’ve never read a Bible that had unicorns in it, but then, I have never read the King James Version. It does say “unicorns” in that version, but in the New International it says “wild ox” so I think we can say it comes down to an over-enthusiastic translation. Somehow, I’m guessing the original Hebrew word didn’t mean “horse with a spear in its forehead.”

V: Is it true that vegetarians live longer?

→ I’m not sure about now, but I’m sure that back when people had to kill mammoths to eat, they probably did. I’d rather fight a truculent cabbage than a stabbing/stomping hairy death machine any day.

W: Is it true that what goes around comes around?

→ Seriously, there are a lot of people asking this question? In my experience, it often does, but not always. What do you think?

X: Is it true that Xbox live is going to be free?

→ Ehh…who cares. You can look it up here if you have any interest.

Y: Is it true that you are thinking of me?

→ Yes. I’m thinking of you right now. So…what are you doing? (Yes, yes, BESIDES reading this post)

Z: Is it true that Zayn Malik smokes?

→ Considering I didn’t know who this was an hour ago, I don’t particularly care. Apparently he does.

So, there you have it. 26 answers, semi-answers, or dodging the question straight from the Green-Walled Tower. If you have your own “Is it true that…?” question for me, now is your chance. I’ll promise to answer it, unless it’s about Xbox Live or Zayn Malik smoking.

If only life was always this simple. Source

25 Comments | tags: alphabet, answers, Google, questions, search, true | posted in Uncategorized

April 6, 2013

How to make my day

By David Stewart

So, I came home this evening to see this:

Yep, my blog post on Jeonju’s south gate got Freshly Pressed.

As you can imagine, I’m pretty happy about that.

Thank you to everyone who has visited, liked, commented, and followed the blog as a result, as well as all those who have been faithful followers for a while. I appreciate you all.

18 Comments | tags: blogging, Fresh Pressed, Jeonju, Pungnammun, thank you, writing | posted in Uncategorized

March 31, 2013

Happy Easter from Korea

By David Stewart

Today is Easter Sunday. So Happy Easter.

Although Christmas has eclipsed it in recent history because of the whole gift-giving thing, Easter has traditionally been the most significant holiday in the year for Christians. It is the day we remember Jesus rising from the dead, which is a bigger deal, and much more important even than him being born.

Of course, this Easter I’m living in Korea, and things are a bit tense these days in Korea, as you have probably seen on the news. The fact is that North Korea makes threats on a regular basis, but it’s never a good thing when you ratchet up tensions to this level on the most heavily-fortified border in the world. We don’t live right next to the border, but if the borders were all open, we would only be a four-hour drive from Pyongyang.

Here the atmosphere is guarded. People continue to go about their daily lives, but still, they watch and wait. Last week, I went to a Korean church service and the pastor talked in part about what our response should be if war broke out. It was the first time I’d ever heard a Korean acknowledge the possibility, although I’m sure they think about it enough.

In the Bible, the prophet Isaiah uses the term “Prince of Peace” when referring to the Messiah. That is what I hope and pray for this Easter: peace. Obviously the tensions in Korea are quite pressing on my mind, but there is also the Syrian civil war, fighting in Afghanistan, Burma, Mali, and other places. A lot of the world is a pretty scary, violent place.

I am not expecting war here, but at this point, no one knows what to expect. I’m not worried for myself but my heart aches at the thought that my beloved Korea and its wonderful people could ever go through such an ordeal.

So, Happy Easter. May the Prince of Peace reign.

Source

17 Comments | tags: Afghanistan, Christian, Easter, Jesus, Korea, Mali, North Korea, peace, prayer, prince of peace, Pyongyang, war | posted in Uncategorized

March 27, 2013

A.W.A.R.D.S

By David Stewart

I woke in a room that smelled vaguely of peanut butter and wasabi. It was the kind of smell that slapped you awake and made you write home to mom about it. Once I was fully awake (and had written a short note to my mother) I noticed I was in a long, pearly-white corridor. It was shiny and plastic, like something from a 1970’s sci-fi movie.

I stood up and noticed a plaque on the wall that said Ancient Wasteland And Robotic Doughnut Society, or A.W.A.R.D.S. for short. An arrow pointed down the corridor with a friendly reminder written next to it that said “I’m pretty sure this is the way you want to go.” I took the wall’s word for it and started off.

Before too long, I came to a door with a computer screen next to it. On it, were the words:

Most Influential Blogs of 2012. You were nominated for this award by Alastair of Alastair’s Blog. Do you accept? (Y/N?)

Blink. I wasn’t expecting that. Of course I hit yes. To be nominated for anything by Alastair, who posts such amazing photos and cool music was a honor.

The screen changed. There are no rules for this award, it read.

“Is that true?” I said.

Yes, the screen said.

“Can you hear what I say?” I asked.

No, the screen said. I was suspicious. Please enter blogs you have found influential.

That was an interesting challenge. Hmm, I thought and started punching in names.

– Arjun Bagga of http://arjunbagga.wordpress.com/ I love his beautiful pictures and stories and actually I was inspired to write my Fantastic Travelogue after reading one of his posts. I love the way he captures the souls of common people.

– Rochelle Wisoff-Fields – Addicted to Purple http://rochellewisofffields.wordpress.com/ I have had a lot of fun and learned a lot participating in the Friday Fictioneers, a group she runs. I love the way she comments on every story that’s posted.

– Sharmishtha Basu: http://sharmishthabasu.wordpress.com/ Sharmishtha has been very influential to my writing, from inspiring stories, to using pictures of mine in her writing. I love her fantastic stories, great artwork, and spirit of activism to help those in need.

– Written Words Never Die: http://ericalagan.net/ Eric has been a very influential blog for me. I love his dark and fantastic stories and his short, but powerful flash fiction.

I stopped for a moment and the door suddenly opened. There were others that I found inspiring, but the screen had turned dark, so I continued down the corridor. I walked for a while and was passed by a robotic doughnut that was playing with a yo-yo.

I came to another door. This one was glowing and next to it was a screen with cherubs on it. The cherubs were playing cards when I got there but when they noticed me, they jumped up and shoved the cards out of sight.

“Welcome!” they said in unison (they said everything in unison, which was a bit disconcerting). “This is the Shine-On Award. You got nominated by Kim, from Unwalled. Do you want to accept?”

“Of course,” I said. “Kim is awesome. I don’t have any other friends in the Bahamas (that I know of) but I could have a million and still not have one as nice as her.” They nodded enthusiastically.

“So what do I do here?”

“You have to nominate 15 people that you think really shine,” they said.

“And what does that mean?” I asked.

They conferred for a moment. “That’s up to you. Also, you have to nominate 7 blogs that tickle your fancy.”

“I just put in some that were influential. Can I skip the ‘tickle your fancy’ part?” I asked.

They conferred for another moment. “Fine, as long as the influential ones also tickled your fancy. Did they?”

“Assuredly,” I said. “Can I nominate Unwalled back?”

“Uh…No. But you can thank her.”

“Very well.” I started to think of some blogs that I thought really shined in one way or another.

“Would you like to add why?” the little cherubs asked. “It’s optional.”

“Will the people see this?”

“Mostly likely, yes.”

Very well. I started typing.

1. Teacher as Transformer: http://ivonprefontaine.com/ A source of inspirational thoughts from a fellow teacher.

2. Miss Four Eyes: http://missfoureyes.wordpress.com/ Really, what’s not to love? Adding a little joy to my daily reading.

3. Mindful Splatter: http://marilyndavies.wordpress.com/ Great stories and pictures of daily life.

4. An Evil Nymph’s Blog: http://evilnymphstuff.wordpress.com/ Wonderful photographs and stories from the island of Mauritius and the mind of an evil nymph.

5. Ironwoodwind: http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/ I love reading his great, compelling stories every week.

6. Rambling and Other Nonsense: http://matronbell.wordpress.com/ She posts beautiful thoughts and great stories. I just finished her novel, Planet Atlantis, and really liked it.

7. Josie Coccinelle: http://josiecoccinelle.wordpress.com/ The only French blog I follow. She has such a sweet heart. I wish I could comment more confidently on her posts, but I’ve forgotten a lot of my French.

8. The Urge to Wander: http://theurgetowander.com/ She goes all the places I wish I could, or remember going. I travel the world through her pictures.

9. ABC of Spirit Talk: http://abcofspiritalk.wordpress.com/ Such great thoughts, especially those that use animals as metaphors.

10. Diary of a Lost Girl: http://completelymistaken.wordpress.com/ I love everything I read from her and am always happy when I see her around.

11. Boomie Bol: http://boomiebol.wordpress.com/ What a great and kind poet. Passion and love exude from her writing.

12. Life in Kawagoe: http://cocomino.wordpress.com/ My window into the world of Japanese culture, sharing the simple side of life.

13. Luddy’s Lens: http://luddyslens.wordpress.com/ A wonderful look at the world through photographs.

14. Elixir: http://bradleyball.wordpress.com/ One of my oldest friends. I love reading his perspectives on life, family, and Christianity.

15. Jodies’ Journies: http://cutenosegrl.wordpress.com/ Inspiration and thought-provoking posts.

I could have kept going, of course (my blogging friends really do shine on) but as soon as I had put in the fifteenth name, the door slid open.

“Bye bye!” the cherubs said in unison and then disappeared.

By this time, I had no idea what to expect next. I came to a staircase and starting climbing up and up. Lightning flashed. Somewhere, off in the distance, the Inspector Gadget theme was playing. I came to a third door. Actually, it was a portcullis. The screen next to it was 3D and when I approached, a booming voice shouted:

“You have been nominated for the Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness!”

“Is that a real thing?” I asked.

“Yes, of course. You were nominated by the Blog of the Imaginator, a very epically awesome person in his own right. Do you want it or not?”

“Of course,” I said. Who wouldn’t want an award for being epically awesome, or awesomely epic?

“There are rules!” the voice boomed. “First, you must tell me ten things about yourself…and write them on pieces of fruit!”

“I don’t see any fruit,” I said.

There was a rattling sound and a wagon-load of fruit rattled down the corridor towards me. “Sorry!” the voice echoed. “Our cook quit today. Now get writing!”

I picked up a banana and wrote: I hate getting up in the morning.

“Be more interesting!” the voice shouted.

I wrote I have watched the entire Simpsons series in order on a rather large apple. The voice didn’t say anything else, so I got down to work.

3. I abhor long sleeves (written on a mango)

4. The longest I’ve been unemployed since I was 12 is five months (written on a bunch of grapes; one word on each)

5. I’ve always lived on either the top or bottom floor of a building (written on a watermelon)

“These are becoming pedestrian!” the booming voice warned.

I picked up a cantaloupe and wrote: I love coffee. The voice huffed a little, but shut up.

7. I am currently listening to Don Francisco on Youtube (written on a jack fruit)

8. My current cell phone was obsolete when I got it in 2008 (written on a mandarin orange)

9. I really want to go camping in Greenland sometime (I tried to write this on a strawberry, messed it up, ate the strawberry, ate a few more, then wrote it on a musk melon.)

10. I hate it when I maek typos (written on a papaya)

“Are you being sarcastic?” the voice demanded, but then noticed that I had ten things and continued. “Next, you must nominate 10 people whom you think are epic. Get cracking!”

I stepped up to the screen and started to write.

1. Monk Monkey: http://monkmonkeysblog.wordpress.com/ A great, funny blog

2. Music and Fiction: http://musicandfiction.wordpress.com/ Music plus fiction equals a great combination

3. Oh God, My Wife is German: http://ohgodmywifeisgerman.com/ Hilarious cross-cultural fun. When people think fun, they think Germans.

4. Chosen Voice: http://chosenvoice.wordpress.com/ Seriously, check out her artwork and stories. Epic is the only word.

5. Tales of a Charm City Chick: http://talesofacharmcitychick.com I’ll read anything I can get from the inimitable La La.

6. waldotomosky: http://waldotomosky.wordpress.com/ Sweeping sagas of brawling Norsemen are just the beginning.

7. Christopher de Voss: http://chrisdevoss.wordpress.com/ Great quirky fun that’s right up my alley. Plus, he’s the guy that made up the name Edward “the Squid” Morrison.

8. The Bumble Files: http://thebumblefiles.wordpress.com/ One of my oldest blogging friends and such a great wealth of quirky stories and great thoughts.

9. Dysfunctional Literacy: http://dysfunctionalliteracy.com/ Where I go to feed my love of great and weird books, as well as the continuing saga that is the Long Story.

10. Moments with Millie: http://momentswithmillie.wordpress.com/ I love reading her inspirational thoughts every day. She has a beautiful, loving heart.

“Next, you have to tell the people that you nominated them!” the voice shouted.

“But won’t they know when they get the notification that I linked their blog?” I asked.

“Are you that lazy?” the voice shouted. “Where is your netiquette? Now go tell them!”

“Are you going to open the door then?” I asked. There was a pause.

“Fine.” The portcullis clattered up and I walked forward. Soon I found myself looking out of my own Green-Walled Tower. The land of A.W.A.R.D.S. makes you feel good but it sure can be strange sometimes.

For those who are interested, here is what the original forms of the awards look like:

http://kattermonran.com/2013/03/01/most-influential-blogs-of-2012/

http://unwalled.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/the-shine-on-award/

http://theimaginator.wordpress.com/2013/03/25/awesome-again-only-epically-so/

40 Comments | tags: blog award, blogging, epic, fiction, green-walled tower, influential, shine-on, writing | posted in Uncategorized

March 21, 2013

The Green-Walled Tower is Coming to Youtube!

By David Stewart

Okay, I guess the title said it all.

I’m always looking for new and creative ways to tell interesting stories and now I’m thinking of expanding my storytelling to video form. Not as movies really, but…well, you’ll see. Don’t worry; I will still be posting stories here as always.

This new project of mine might take a little time to get going, but what I’m curious about now is what to call my channel. I have a few ideas for you to vote on, or you can think up a totally awesome new name and tell me in the comments too. If I pick your super cool awesome name, I’ll dedicate a video to you.

The Green-Walled Youtube? It’s an idea.

18 Comments | tags: green-walled tower, outside the tower, poll, video, writing, Youtube | posted in Uncategorized

March 19, 2013

Work in Progress Challenge

By David Stewart

I was tagged in this by Ritika Upadhyay at LeBlog and thought it was intriguing so I decided to pass it on.

Here goes:

1. What is the title of your book/WIP?

This is tricky for me, since I currently have 5 novels I’m editing, although none I’m writing a first draft of. Still, I’ll do the one I’m actually working on at the moment. The title of that one is The Inner Darkness.

2. Where did the idea for the WIP come from?

Almost all my novels start with a single image, either just something that pops into my head or something from a dream. This one started with the image of a light on a long finger of rock, burning in an infinite black abyss of nothingness.

3. What genre would your WIP fall under?

This is fantasy. It has elements of romance, action and comedy in it too. It is in 1^st person POV, which sometimes troubles me, but I think it’s important, since it’s very much about the main characters journey and he really is a very dynamic and quirky sort of guy.

4. Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

Hmm, I haven’t though about anything like that yet. The main character is gallant but also full of bravado, so maybe Robert Downey Jr. would be a good choice. The main female character…maybe Selma Hayek?

5. What is the one-sentence synopsis of your WIP?

A inveterate wanderer finds a cave where people sometimes emerge with no memory of who they are, including one young woman who changes his life. That obviously leaves out a lot, but you get the gist.

6. Is your WIP published or represented?

It’s on the 4^th draft, I think. I haven’t had much time to work on it lately because of writing my blog stories.

7. How long did it take you to write?

It was originally a Nanowrimo novel, so I wrote the rough draft in a month. However, I’ve been working on it for a few years since then.

8. What other WIPs within your genre would you compare it to?

Not sure. This has to do with traveling between worlds, which is not an uncommon theme, but I like to think I’ve put a unique spin on it.

9. Which authors inspired you to write this WIP?

No specific author has inspired this specific novel. Perhaps H.P. Lovecraft and William Hope Hodgson for their depictions of vast, dark, empty spaces. The tone of the story is nothing like either of these authors though. I like to think of it as a light and quirky take on serious matters.

10. Tell us anything else that might pique our interest in this project.

The world where this takes place is the same one that Horus Vere and Bruce Riansson are from. They are characters from previous stories I’ve posted on this blog.

One last thing… Tag, You’re It!

Here are some people that I follow who I either know are working on a long story or I suspect it. In any case, I’d be curious to know more about it and its background, if you’d like to share. If you’re working on something and I missed you, I’m sorry. I’d like to hear about yours too.

11 Comments | tags: editing, novel, WIP, work in progress, writing | posted in Uncategorized

March 12, 2013

A Cup of Music and a Slice of Fiction

By David Stewart

Do you have certain music you always listen to when you are reading or writing—music that seems to go perfectly with the words on the page? Music can be important for framing the mood of a story. A friend of mine, Miles Rost, is very interested in the relationship between music and fiction. He has recently started a blog called Music and Fiction where he melds songs into his stories. Check it out.

Also, in honor of him, I am announcing the next story in my Open Prompts series, which admittedly has been on hold for a while. In the past, I asked people to give me story elements that I used to write a story.

However, for this one, I’m asking you to suggest a song name in the comments, with a link to it on Youtube. Anything with English lyrics is fine—go nuts. I will write a story using at least one quote from each of the songs, linking the song to the quote, so you can tell where it is. If you suggest a song, I’ll credit you in the post.

I’ll take the first five song suggestions that I get and post my story on Friday. If you’re up for it, write a story using the same set of songs. Post your story any time, but send me a link so I can read it.

14 Comments | tags: coffee, fiction, Miles Rost, music, Open Prompts, photograph, writing | posted in Uncategorized

March 5, 2013

The Foreigner Card: Privilege Through Ignorance

By David Stewart

Don’t you wish you had a get-out-of-jail card for small annoyances? If you’re a buxom blonde, maybe you do, but an easier way (at least if you look like me—neither buxom nor blonde) is to move to another country. In my case, Korea.

I’m not sure about other countries, but in Korea, we call it the foreigner card. It is an acknowledgement that as foreigners (i.e. non-Koreans), that along with all the disadvantages of living in a foreign culture, we have certain privileges by not fitting into the cultural system. It’s one of perks of living over here. Let me give you some examples.

You are driving and run a red light. A policeman pulls you over, but upon seeing you’re a foreigner (and assuming you don’t speak Korean) he lets you go because he doesn’t want to deal with the situation.
You want to return something at a store without a receipt. They refuse, saying it’s not the policy. You give them a blank look and keep nudging it towards them, saying juseyo (please give me) and eventually they just do it to make you go away.
All the teachers at the school are going out to eat. Although there is mandatory attendance, you don’t want to go, so when they tell you about it—in Korean—you give a big smile and say, in English, “see you tomorrow” and just go home.

Now some of those are accidental and some are deliberate, but you get the idea. The idea is getting away with things that other can’t simply because we don’t fit in or people assume we don’t understand (or we pretend we can’t). Here’s why it works.

We stand out. – I will never, ever pass for a Korean. I did have one man ask me if I was Korean, but he was either drunk or a bad guesser. I don’t stand out like a sore thumb; I stand out like a missing limb. If you happen to be black, then you stand out even more. Because of this, it is very easy for people to make judgments about us before we even speak. Here are some of the common stereotypes: foreigners don’t speak Korean; they don’t understand the culture; they’ve just arrived in Korea; and they insist on others speaking English.

This means “foreigner” in Korean

And so on. The point is that even before I open my mouth, the other person has formed an opinion of me in their head.

A lot of the stereotypes are true. – I’m not trying to bash foreigners living in Korea: I am one, and even though I speak Korean now, I didn’t when I got here. The truth is that there is a huge demand for English teachers here and speaking Korean is not one of the requirements. People often come for a year and then leave, which means they don’t have the time or motivation to learn much of the language. Because of this, they are forced to interact with Koreans with what they have: English and gestures, which can be frustrating for everyone involved. Some Koreans get so tired of going through this time after time that they just try to avoid it. Some shopkeepers type the price into a calculator and show it to me because they assume I wouldn’t understand them if they said it.
Korean culture puts a high emphasis on service. – When you are a customer in Korea, then you are a king. Tipping isn’t practiced here and it’s very common for shopkeepers to throw in a bit extra or something free, just as good service. You run across people who don’t want to serve foreigners, but usually they will err on the side of good service.

On one hand, it’s very nice that people make exceptions for us at times, since as I said before, a lot of it is deserved. It is very humbling to live here without knowing the language, since you have to rely on others to help with a lot of things: setting up an account, going to the doctor, buying a cell phone, etc. However, some people try to game the system by pretending they are more ignorant than they are. Since people already assume we’re ignorant, why not use that to our advantage, right?

I try not to use the foreigner card if I can help it. Mostly because it’s dishonest if I deliberately pretending to be more ignorant than I am, but also because after living here for so long, I really want to fit in. I am very tired of always being the exception, even when it’s beneficial.

Also, I want people to know I speak Korean, because dealing with foreigners is very stressful for a lot of people. Koreans feel that because they study English in school, they should speak English when they meet a foreigner, not that the foreigner should speak Korean. I can see the fear in their eyes when I come into their shop, as they desperately try to remember everything their middle school teacher said while they were talking in the back of the class. So, I try to speak Korean as soon as possible to put them at ease. You can see some of them, usually younger people who have studied English, visibly deflate with relief when they realize you can speak Korean.

So, there it is: a way out of minor difficulties based on stereotypes, real and perceived language barriers, and cultural misunderstanding. Still, it’s nice to have it if you need it.